To: Field operatives
Re: Contingency plans
According to infernal intelligence reports, some Arminian epologists have blown the cover our field operatives. As a result, we have to move up the schedule for Damien’s coronation. In preparation, we also need to infiltrate their strongholds and disrupt their base of operations.
I’ve dispatched Delilah from Bogia 1, Circle 8, to seduce Dave Hunt. She assures me that Hunt will by reciting the Westminster Shorter Catechism in his sleep by the end of the month.
I’ve ordered James White to Lynchburg, where he’ll be doing a body-swap with Ergun Caner.
John Piper has been reassigned to Fort Worth–where he’ll use his black magic to transform Paige Patterson into a cactus.
I’ve dispatched a pack of hellhounds to Wilmore to wolf down Ben Witherington.
For the time being, we’ll leave Roger Olson intact. As you know, his black cat (“Salem”) is one of our best informants.
I’ve assigned a flock of ravens to shadow Jerry Vines.
Albert Mohler is adding an effigy of Norman Geisler to his collection of voodoo dolls.
Further information will be released on a need-to-know basis.