Called to Kitsch
Schlock meets Schmaltz
Bella Swan’s Conversion Story
In this exclusive interview, TMZ reporter Bryan Cross talks to Bella Swan about her conversion to the One.
Bryan: Bella, can you briefly recount your conversion to the One?
Bella: I used to be hopelessly in love with Edward Cullen. He was the One True Boyfriend for me.
Bryan: What changed?
Bella: Well, for one thing, there’s the age differential. When you date a dude who came of age way back in the 1920s, that’s just so yesterday. I mean, who wants to hear about Calvin Coolidge over a candlelit dinner?
Bryan: What else?
Bella: It’s hard to commune with a corpse. Edward is dashing at a distance, but when he puts his cold clammy arms around you and tries to kiss you with his thin leathery cadaverous lips, it’s a major turn-off.
Bryan: Is that what drew you to Jake?
Bella: Lycan boys have that raw animal passion that schoolgirls yearn for. And I could spend hours just gazing into his glowing red eyes, or watching him pose in the rain with his awesome abs. It’s what every adolescent girl dreams of.
Bryan: Isn’t there the risk that he’d rip your throat out in the heat of the moment?
Bella: But it’s so romantic, don’t you think?
Bryan: So that’s when you knew you made the journey home?
Bella: When I beheld his long white fangs, I knew that I’d entered into the fullness of tooth.
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