How to stay one step ahead of Roger Olson

To: Reformed demonolaters

From: Upper Management 

Re: Security precautions

Roger Olson is gaining on us. He recently said,

When Wesley rightly said of Romans 9 that it cannot mean “that” (what Calvinists believe it means) he wasn’t dismissing Romans 9 as uninspired, not part of God’s Word.  He was saying IF it means that (and fortunately there are other valid interpretations than the Calvinist one) God is not good but a monster worse than the devil because at least the devil is sincere. That’s why we cannot be Calvinists–because IF WE believed what Calvinists believe God would not be good and therefore could not be trusted.  We realize that Calvinists (at least most) do not believe God is a monster, but we are saying if WE believed what they believe we would find it necessary to think of God that way–as indistinguishable from the devil.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/rogereolson/2011/10/some-thoughts-about-conversationsdebates-between-calvinists-and-arminians/

He hasn’t yet caught on to the fact that we really are devil-worshipers. He still thinks most of us are simply misguided. But we do need to take some extra precautions.

• Never wear a pentagram when you leave home.

• When you celebrate the Black Mass, use a neutral location–like an Episcopal church.

• Be more discreet in procuring sacrificial victims. Change your black market supplier every few months. 

• Renew the contract with Wes Craven to churn out more pulp horror flicks about ritual Satanic abuse. That’s the best way to make the whole idea seem utterly ridiculous.