Making light of a slight

This is in answer to a question I received. How should Christians react when someone says something that hurts their feelings? Mind you, I think we’re living in a culture where too many people are too easily offended. But I’m not talking about the hypersensitives.

There are people who say something cutting, and they succeed. How should we deal with that?

Quoting the usual prooftexts about love and forgiveness is not an answer. For that, of itself, doesn’t change how we feel. It may lay on us a sense of obligation, but it doesn’t show us how to inwardly comply.

The issue is not what we know, but what we feel. Even if we ought to feel a certain way, citing chapter and verse doesn’t make us feel that way.

1. It’s easy to make light of a slight if you’re happy. So it’s useful to remind yourself of all the things in life that make you happy.

If you’re already unhappy, then a slight will cut much deeper.

“Count your blessings,” as the old saying goes. That sounds trite, but it’s good advice.

Of course, there are times when we may not feel very blest. When life may seem more like a curse than a blessing.

That’s often due to our circumstances. Here I’d say that if you can change your circumstances, do so.

Don’t merely count your blessings, but add to your blessings. You can’t reap what you don’t sow. Sometimes we need to plant seeds which will yield a blessed crop.

Where possible, improve your situation so that you will have more blessings to count. Seedtime and harvest have a spiritual dimension.

Put another way, sometimes we shouldn’t focus on the slight. Rather, we should focus on our ordinary mood—which can either minimize or magnify the slight.

2. Apropos (1), we should make a practice of thanksgiving. Keep a record of the good times. Sit down and write down the many good things that have happened to you over the years.

It’s easy to forget. Easy to lose track. Life is so relentless. One thing after another.

There are lots of things to thank God for. Sometimes we need to slow down, look back, and do an inventory of our life. Fond memories. Divine deliverance. Answered prayer. Unexpected blessings.

Slights recede when we move out of the shade and stand in the sunlight.

Know what you care about, then care about what you know.

3. We should remind ourselves that the only person’s opinion which really matters is God’s opinion.

4. We should imagine what the person who slighted us would be like in heaven. It’s easier to pray for someone if you think about him, not as he is, but as he could be. If God brought out all his best qualities, added other good qualities, and eradicated the bad qualities.

5. We should put our feelings in perspective. It’s like a phobia. I know it’s irrational and involuntary. If I’m acrophobic, I can’t help how I feel about high places.

But that very recognition is liberating. I don’t blame myself for a phobia. It’s beyond my control. Feeling bad is not necessarily the same thing as having a morally bad feeling.

Maybe I have good reason to feel slighted. Maybe I was wronged. If that’s the case, then it’s all right to feel that way. My emotion is not a wicked emotion.

It would be wrong to nurse it. But it’s not wrong to have it.

Sometimes we have a right to be resentful. We were treated unjustly.

We don’t have a right to frame that emotion, hang it on the wall, and gaze at it day after day. But we no standing orders to be happy all the time. For everything there is a season. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to love and a time to hate (Eccl 3).

We can allow some feelings to fade away in due time. Feelings have their own seasons and lifecycles. Let nature take its course.

6. Apropos (5), if Richard Dawkins knew me, he would disapprove of me. He would disapprove of me because he is disapproving of each and every Christian. If he knew me, he’d tried to shame me into becoming an atheist.

But, of course, I don’t care what Richard Dawkins thinks of me, since he means nothing to me personally. He’s not someone I know or like or respect. He’s just a silly, pitiful old fool. He desperately needs people to agree with him.

But he can only look down on me if I look up to him. Since I don’t look up to him, his arched eyebrow has no effect.

Now, we’re more likely to be hurt an acquaintance than a stranger. Yet the disapproval may be the same. Just as baseless and unfair.

So we need to remind ourselves that if this came from a total stranger, it wouldn’t make a dent. That doesn’t make the feeling vanish on the spot, but it’s edifying to consider the slight with some detachment.