Hey, Steve, John, and others in the blog... I would like an advice/council... I highly respect the blog, and it eliminated most of my doubts about Roman Catholicism... But, speaking about suffering, I am now experiencing a great spiritual suffering... I'm sorry if this is not the right medium to talk about that, but I am very concerned.
I confess that, althought I started in the last couple of months to try to live a Christian life, I was in the edge of sin, because I was member of facebook groups with most atheists and libertines (was a group of libertarians, but was like a parallel group with only personal discussion, and most was about sex, drugs etc). And other things too, like read news about celebrities etc, trying to flirting with non christian women....
Yesterday I was very anxious (I have general anxiety and OCD..), did not sleep well, I waited for one hour for a doctor and discovered that would have to wait more three hours, I came back to home, and was anxious and nervous, and trying to not blaspheme, saying something like "I don't mean to do that" aloud (is like a compulsion of mine, to try to not blaspheme when I feel the urge) and my mother started to shout at me because that (I know it is very difficult to her to live with my constant compulsions,,) and I became angry, because she interrupted my saying, that in my vision was blocking the blaspheme, and I shouted and thwon away a bag next to me... But the bag had a logo that is a figure two fish, that I always thought that could mean a Christian symbol (I searched after and wasn't, the logo meaning is that the surname of the brand creators are fish). But the problmem is that I can't remember if I trhow away knowing that had the fish logo that I thought to be a Christian symbol, or just thrown the nearest thing... And I can't remember that. I ask pardon to my mother, she accepted, but is very sad because she feels that she is responsable for my sadness, althought I know and said to her that she isn't...
After that I took a benzodizepine, I couldn't bear the guild and the fear that I could in that act reject Christianity, became an apostate and never be pardoned...
I deleted facebook, and will create another only in a couple months, but only for professional things, stopped to read news about pop singers etc
Today something happened too. I do not feel so bad, maybe is the effect of the benzodiazepine (observation: my doctor prescribed me, but I do not like to take). My aunt is being charge by the government, and my mother wants me to represent her in court. But my father was trying to dissuade her, saying that maybe the better thing is ignore the judicial process since my aunt does not have any property. My mother, angry, said to my father "stop to talk, your demon" (yes, my mother is a bit unstable, but my father know tha she is a little seek). After that, my father said something to me like "Do you think, my son, that could be of any advantage to enter in a judicial process in the Holy Spirit COurt (the name of the state is Holy Spirit)?
I don't know with certainly if I said something like "yeah", but thinking about what my mother said about demon. So I worried again to had commited the unpardonable sin...
Hey, Steve, John, and others in the blog... I would like an advice/council... I highly respect the blog, and it eliminated most of my doubts about Roman Catholicism... But, speaking about suffering, I am now experiencing a great spiritual suffering... I'm sorry if this is not the right medium to talk about that, but I am very concerned.
ReplyDeleteI confess that, althought I started in the last couple of months to try to live a Christian life, I was in the edge of sin, because I was member of facebook groups with most atheists and libertines (was a group of libertarians, but was like a parallel group with only personal discussion, and most was about sex, drugs etc). And other things too, like read news about celebrities etc, trying to flirting with non christian women....
Yesterday I was very anxious (I have general anxiety and OCD..), did not sleep well, I waited for one hour for a doctor and discovered that would have to wait more three hours, I came back to home, and was anxious and nervous, and trying to not blaspheme, saying something like "I don't mean to do that" aloud (is like a compulsion of mine, to try to not blaspheme when I feel the urge) and my mother started to shout at me because that (I know it is very difficult to her to live with my constant compulsions,,) and I became angry, because she interrupted my saying, that in my vision was blocking the blaspheme, and I shouted and thwon away a bag next to me... But the bag had a logo that is a figure two fish, that I always thought that could mean a Christian symbol (I searched after and wasn't, the logo meaning is that the surname of the brand creators are fish). But the problmem is that I can't remember if I trhow away knowing that had the fish logo that I thought to be a Christian symbol, or just thrown the nearest thing... And I can't remember that.
I ask pardon to my mother, she accepted, but is very sad because she feels that she is responsable for my sadness, althought I know and said to her that she isn't...
After that I took a benzodizepine, I couldn't bear the guild and the fear that I could in that act reject Christianity, became an apostate and never be pardoned...
I deleted facebook, and will create another only in a couple months, but only for professional things, stopped to read news about pop singers etc
Today something happened too. I do not feel so bad, maybe is the effect of the benzodiazepine (observation: my doctor prescribed me, but I do not like to take). My aunt is being charge by the government, and my mother wants me to represent her in court. But my father was trying to dissuade her, saying that maybe the better thing is ignore the judicial process since my aunt does not have any property. My mother, angry, said to my father "stop to talk, your demon" (yes, my mother is a bit unstable, but my father know tha she is a little seek). After that, my father said something to me like "Do you think, my son, that could be of any advantage to enter in a judicial process in the Holy Spirit COurt (the name of the state is Holy Spirit)?
I don't know with certainly if I said something like "yeah", but thinking about what my mother said about demon. So I worried again to had commited the unpardonable sin...
What do you think? What Could I do?