The Affordable Hair Act

The Washington Post

March 13, 2017

Last year, as readers may recall, President-for-Life Barak Obama introduced the Affordable Hair Act to improve the availability of wigs and toupees for aging rock stars and transgender individuals. All Americans 18 years old and above were required to purchase gov't approved hairpieces. 

Youth groups initially objected on the grounds that teens and twenty-somethings with full heads of hair shouldn't be required to buy wigs and toupees, but as Kathleen Sebelius patiently explained, it was necessary for those who didn't need them to invest in the follicular risk pool to make hairpieces universally available for those who might need them. She also shamed youthful dissidents as freeloaders. What if, 40 years from now, they needed a wig or toupee? 

Under the Affordable Hair Act, the Consumer Products Safety Commission recalled wigs and toupees manufactured before 2016 which failed meet the stringent new standards. Americans were required to turn in substandard hairpieces at collection stations around the country or face stiff fines and jail time. 

Today, acting on a tip from the NSA, an M1 Abrahms convoy of ATF agents descended on Polly Parton's estate to confiscate contraband wigs. Escaping through the back door, Miss Parton was kneecapped by a domestic drone. After handcuffing the country music star, she was airlifted to GITMO.