Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Shake-up at the Vatican



L'Osservatore Romano

Today a team of seismologists, forensic anthropologists, and church historians issued their much-anticipated report on mysterious seismic activity in Italy. Just in the last few centuries, Italy has been racked by a series of devastating earthquakes:

1693 01 11 - Sicily, Italy - M 7.5 Fatalities 60,000
1783 02 04 - Calabria, Italy Fatalities 50,000
1857 12 16 - Naples, Italy - M 6.9 Fatalities 11,000
1905 09 08 - Calabria, Italy - M 7.9 Fatalities 557
1908 12 28 - Messina, Italy - M 7.2 Fatalities 70,000
1915 01 13 - Avezzano, Italy - M 7.0 Fatalities 32,610
1919 06 29 - Mugello, Tuscany - M 6.3 Fatalities 100
1920 09 07 - Toscana, Italy - M 6.4 Fatalities 171
1930 07 23 - Irpinia, Italy - M 6.5 Fatalities 1,404
1968 01 15 - Western Sicily - M 6.5 Fatalities 231
1976 05 06 - Northeastern Italy - M 6.5 Fatalities 1,000
1980 11 23 - Southern Italy - M 6.5 Fatalities 3,000
1997 09 26 - Central Italy - M 6.4 Fatalities 11
2002 09 06 - Southern Italy - M 6.0 Fatalities 2
2002 10 31 - Southern Italy - M 5.9 Fatalities 29
2002 11 01 - Southern Italy - M 5.8
2009 04 06 - Central Italy - M 6.3 Fatalities 295

Based on painstaking correlations, the team pinpointed the epicenter of the historic seismic activity. Every time the pope presumes to speak in Peter’s name, the apostle rolls over in his grave.

In the interests of public safety, Prime Minister Mario Monti proposed relocating Vatican City to Hope Bay, Antarctica. Vatican spokesmen could not be reached for comment. 

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