To the Incorrigible Primates at Triablogue

At variegated times, when apposite, I deign to lower my standards sufficiently to mingle with lesser-minded plebes, such as the denizens that constitute the lesser hoi poi currently inhabiting Harvard, and periodically even those of the diminutive statute bestowed by Princeton’s inferior scholarship--who it must be admitted are generally the most pitiable of the upper class. Professor Robert Weinhart and Dr. Michele Hardins, both of whom I permitted to instruct me for a few semesters at Yale, were keen observers of the paucity of education in the other so-called Ivy League institutions that, since I had not seen fit to step foot in their halls, were of obvious insignificance in the grand scheme of universal acumen; yet despite their counsel to the contrary, I occasionally must exercise a particularly masochistic bent in my own philosophy, which compels me to point out the errors and flaws of such insane individuals such as these dupes from the inferior neighborhoods of Cambridge or Princeton, whereupon it becomes incumbent upon me to take up my keyboard and troll blogs looking for people with whom an honest disagreement can be fanned into an ego-stroking self-aggrandizing love affair with my id.

This brings me to the current subject of my discourse, viz. you. Despite not having attained even a lesser Ivy League status, though doubtless you yet believe yourself to be highly educated, such a delusion cannot go unchallenged, for it is obvious to all that you are not only wrong, but, to stoop to such a low level as to quote such a lesser human being as Alexander Pope, you know not enough even to “act well your part.” You believe yourself capable of rising up the academic ladder by a sheer sense of intellectual fortitude, as if academia was interested in knowledge! I would pity you, but such a waste of emotions on a cretin such as yourself would only leave me vacuous and empty, like a corpuscle drained of pus after a sunny afternoon’s stroll. But since Lord Byron advised in Don Juan to “Begin with the beginning” I feel the subject has necessitated a response which, though it be wasted upon the likes of you, may yet serve some purpose in the nihilistic void of eternity.

Though I labor long, arduous hours with little reward, I shall put up with you a trifle more and allow you to bask in the glory that is my wisdom yet a little while longer. Though it pains me to reduce myself to such a level, I will humbly do so in the vain hope that you will inevitably fall to your knees before me, bow down and worship Zod. This hope need not be in vain—you merely need acknowledge your superior, kneel and kiss the hand of friendship I extend so mercifully toward you. Though you earned not my consideration, I will yet give you of the excess bounty of my intellect.

I know you have these feeble theories based on these so-called scholars whom I never studied under (how, then, could they be true “scholars”?). You claim these fools are wise when all they do is spout what you want them to say. Have you so little knowledge that you do not understand? If I do not say it, it must not be true. For Dr. Walter Schriekenhöser gave an assembly I had the fortune and good breeding to have attended, in Yale’s prestigious Kauff A. Teria Hall, where the honorable doctor of metaphysics informed us via his customary wit and charisma that a little knowledge need not be a dangerous thing at all, unless such little knowledge is bound—and here I quote him directly—“in the sulci of a true believer’s parasitic mental paradigm.”

Since I grasp intuitively that you are too obtuse to attain proper enlightenment of this statement, bozo, it means that since you’re a Christian you’re incapable of rational thought. Therefore, let your betters do the thinking and keep your mouth shut. It is unbecoming of you to question royalty.

Sincerely,

Richard