The auto-da-fe

To: Heresy hunters
From: The Management
Re: Bringing executions up to code

Under the Obama administration, the EPA has issued new guidelines on the environmentally sensitive execution of heretics. The EPA is now assessing a surtax on the burning of heretics since that contributes to greenhouse gas emissions (e.g. carbon monoxide), which, in turn, accelerates global warming.

There is also a surtax on stoning since you still have to dispose of the body, which is another pesky source of greenhouse gas emissions (i.e. cremation).

Fortunately, certain states are blessed with biofriendly alternatives to cope with the problem. For example, bears and alligators furnish a sort of one-stop shopping: execution and disposal of the remains, all in one neat package.

Distribution centers are being set up in Alaska and Florida.

Of course, that requires an extradition treaty. The Attorney General has drafted language authorizing rendition when necessary.

EPA guidelines also include a provision whereby heretics can commute the auto-da-fe through the purchase of carbon offsets–accompanied by a donation to the Green Party.