The CANdidates

ASP News, Denver – Pundits, anchors, and other members of the media waited in eager anticipation for the first speech candidate Pepsi would give after accepting his party’s nomination for President of the United Sodas of America.

Pepsi, marketed as the Choice of a New Generation, has enjoyed wide appeal in the media. “The first time I tried Pepsi, a shiver ran up my leg,” said Chris Matthews, a short-tempered and short man who we assume has a TV show somewhere. “That shiver continues to this day.”

Pollsters are convinced that Pepsi will win the election despite the fact that those they poll do not agree. “We alter the polls consistently, changing the questions here and there, and eventually they get the right numbers,” said one anonymous pollster who wished to remain anonymous because he was spineless.

After months of speculation, Pepsi announced Dr Pepper as his running mate. Dr Pepper ran against Pepsi earlier in the race, denouncing Pepsi as a radical leftist who was too blue. It had widely been assumed that Mr. Pibb would get the nod after her close race with Pepsi.

“After looking over the details,” Pepsi said, “we decided to go with the purple-ish can of prune juice. Dr Pepper’s experience is evident by the ‘Dr’ sans period at the front of his name. Mr. Pibb just couldn’t compete with that. Even though her husband, Mrs. Pibb, was a successful president if you can ignore his record.”

The Pibbs were unavailable for comment.

ASP News, St. Paul – SHOCK!

That is the only word that can describe the scene here in the Xcel Energy Center as Coke Classic, an aged formula long popular with nursing home residents and prescription drug addicts, announced his choice for running mate: Mountain Dew.

“I never saw that one coming,” said Anderson Cooper, who never saw it coming. “Every indicator pointed to Coke Zero topping the short list. Instead, Coke Classic picked someone who is completely GREEN! Mountain Dew has no experience whatsoever. In fact, only drunk co-eds like Mountain Dew, and only then because of her looks.”

Diet Coke had spent months campaigning for the candidate’s coveted VP slot. “This is a complete sell out,” said the junior diet soda from Georgia. “They say it’s not easy being green. Well, it’s about to get a lot tougher.” Diet Coke is now said to be stumping for Pepsi.

The media, working in conjunction with Pepsi's campaign, has promised to vet Mountain Dew’s credentials. Already, however, it looks like a lost cause for Coke Classic. “Have you ever opened a can of Mountain Dew?” one Pepsi spokesman said. “It looks like a can of urine. What does it say about Coke Classic’s judgment if his pick looks like human waste?”

Sprite, and other women’s rights groups, have denounced Mountain Dew over her views on abortion. “Mountain Dew totally should have aborted that Code Red crap. The only thing we have in common is carbonated water and high fructose corn syrup” said Sprite. “That’s not enough to make me vote for a sell-out.”

ASP News, Someone’s Basement – In other news, 7-Up has announced Ale-8-1 as his running mate. 7-Up, running on the environmentalist green ticket, so far only has the backing of Moon Mist Shasta, the former vice president tuned recycling activist who earned fame last year after the success of his film “An Inconvenient Fizz.”

Critics are already questioning Ale-8’s experience, given his limited distribution in and around the state of Kentucky. “We all know that Kentuckians are just a bunch of racist rednecks,” said Dr Pepper. “What do the hicks down there really know anyway?”

ASP News, Washington DC – The presidential campaign took a nasty turn today as Pepsi and Coke Classic both went negative. Pepsi’s negative campaign was witty and refreshing, as Pepsi called Coke classic a “flat” and “undrinkable” beverage.

Coke Classic responded with a vicious character attack, saying Pepsi had been “left out in the car under the hot sun for too long.” When asked if Coke Classic thought the negative tone of the campaign would hurt him, he responded: “He started it.”

Pepsi retorted with “I know you are but what am I?”

Meanwhile, 7-Up has asked to attend the first presidential debate, scheduled for next week. So far, no one is paying him any attention.

ASP News, Washington DC – The continual vitriol of the campaign took a turn for the worst as Coke Classic accused Pepsi of ties with the pink can, TaB. TaB, which in 1969 contained the now-banned chemical cyclamate, supposedly launched the career of Pepsi from TaB’s living room, if you believe Coke Classic and the people who were there instead of those of us in the media who don’t want you to focus on this.

Pepsi has fired back that TaB is just some can in the neighborhood and that Pepsi was only eight years old when TaB’s cyclamate was banned by the FDA. Coke Classic countered that while “Pepsi” was only eight years old, “Pepsi-Cola” had been around since 1903, and was originally called “Brad’s Drink” in 1898.

Since we’re the media and we are objective, we will ignore everything about TaB. Instead, an important thing to ponder is the fact that Coke Classic is the real hypocrite here. Coke Classic had an original formula, but now is only pretending to remain true to the original formula having substituted high fructose corn syrup for his original sweetener, cane sugar. Furthermore, Coke is made from processed cocaine leaves. Explain that, Coke Classic!

ASP News, Washington DC – The Red party is becoming increasingly desperate as Coke Classic sags in the polls, down by as much as 7/32 of a percentage point. In an attempt to deflect attention from failed economic policies, Coke Classic has accused Pepsi of fraternizing with COLON. COLON, which stands for “Confused Organization of Liberals for Oligarchy Now” has been active in registering 6.8 trillion people in Los Angeles alone.

“It is obvious that there is voter fraud going on,” said one Coke Classic spokesman.

“What is going on is disenfranchisement,” Pepsi spokesman Diet Coke responded. “Coke Classic doesn’t want your vote to count more than once. He is skewering this election away from the will of illegal aliens, felons, and other up-and-coming Blue candidates. That’s why Coke Classic didn’t pick me—I mean Coke Zero for his running mate. He’s racist against the black can!”

In unrelated news, the Red Party released a YouTube video showing a 1990s Pepsi rally where Pepsi stated: “A colon is not that far behind.” Pundits have supposed the Red Party is going for the irony angle, but as we are objective media personalities we don’t understand it.

ASP NEWS, Toledo – Earlier today, Pepsi made an unscheduled stop in Toledo to talk to random sodas. There he met Grape Soda, who asked him: “Why are you planning on increasing my carbonation?”

Pepsi responded, “I want to spread the carbon around.”

Developing…

ASP NEWS, Toledo – Who is Grape Soda?

That is the question the media will focus on until everyone forgets Pepsi’s poor answer to Grape Soda’s question.

Grape Soda is not who he claims to be. For one thing, his name isn’t really Grape Soda. It’s “Big K Diet Grape Soda.” For another thing, he’s not a real soda. He’s a generic brand. In fact, he only costs $0.70 for two liters! Under Pepsi’s plan, only those sodas which cost more than $2.50 for a two liter bottle would be extra-carbonated.

Further examinations have uncovered the possibility of Grape Soda’s fraudulent portrayal of himself while daring to ask a question Pepsi answered truthfully. Big K Diet Grape Soda had indicated his affiliation with King Soopers while his recently released tax records suggest strong ties with Kroger.

In a press conference yesterday afternoon, Diet Coke commented, “Which is it ‘Grape Soda’? These questions demand an answer – you can’t have it both ways!”

As if that weren’t enough, Sprite also noted, “You can’t spell ‘Grape’ without ‘rape.’”

What does “Grape Soda” know, and when did he know it? Why did Coke Classic plant Grape Soda at an unscheduled Pepsi stop? The media demand answers! We will continue digging until our last latex glove is soiled.

ASP NEWS, Washington DC – The Coke Classic campaign has accused the media of bias due to its kid gloves treatment of Pepsi and its anal examination of Big K Diet Grape Soda, the fake soda who Coke Classic planted to trip up Pepsi.

The media, biased? As if! We aren’t biased if there are no objections to our reporting and after Pepsi gives his acceptance speech on January 20, we will help usher in a new world of fairness via the Fairness Doctrine which guarantees the suppression of views that disagree with us.

It is Coke Classic who is against being fair. That’s just a fact. It’s not biased to report the facts, even if we only report half of them and occasionally retract three quarters of the half we do report. That’s what true, objective journalism is all about.

ASP reporters Travis Johnson and Peter Pike contributed to this report.

Travis Johnson is a freelance writer from Colorado Springs and blogs at http://fumingpew.wordpress.com/.

Peter Pike is the author of the novel Public Transit available on-line and in many black market stores worldwide. His website it http://www.intellectualist.net/.

Johnson and Pike are currently collaborating on a screenplay version of Public Transit. So far, they have finished six pages and consumed fourteen gallons of coffee.