Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Interspecies Colloquium on Evolution

In the year 2123, the animal kingdom finally rose up against Darwinian imperialism. The animals were fed up with the provincial, speciesistic, androcentric bias of Darwinian dogma. They were sick and tired of human beings defaming them as “lower” animals or “primitive” animals.

Different representatives to the Interspecies Colloquium on Evolution (ICE) marshaled various lines of evidence to demonstrate that human beings were, in fact, “lower,” ‘primitive animals,” in stark contrast to the progressive species represented at the international symposium. Their findings were issued in annual installments of the Proceedings of ICE.

Predictably, the Darwinian establishment has blacklisted the bestial anti-Darwinians. Their submissions to peer-reviewed journals are peremptorily denied. So permit me to summarize some of the evidence which has been suppressed by the Darwinian establishment:

Prof. Chamaelontidae pointed out that some lizards are more dermatologically advanced than human beings. They can change color at will, to camouflage their whereabouts, whereas humans are a throwback to monochromatic skin.

Prof. Lacertilia seconded his point by noting that some lizards also have detachable tails that regenerate. Compare than to the plight of human amputees!

Prof. Araneida pointed out that spiders have silk glands to make their own homes.

Prof. Sphyrna pointed out that Hammerhead sharks have electroreceptors which enable them to detect faint electromagnetic fields. Human beings, by contrast, lack this sixth sense.

Prof. Felis pointed out that most cats have retractable claws, which reflects a more advanced design than the blunt, fixed fingernails and toenails of the human monkeys.

Prof. Ophidia pointed out that pit vipers have venom sacks; retractable, replaceable, canaliculated fangs, and infrared vision. How to human beings stack up against that arsenal?

Prof. Elapidae seconded his point with reference to spitting cobras.

Prof. Apodes pointed out that some eels have electric organs. Think how that would save on the power bill? Who needs fossil fuel? Not us!

Prof. Lampyridae seconded his point with reference to fireflies.

Prof. Apoidea pointed out that bees can see ultraviolet light, polarized light, detect magnetic fields, and track fast moving objects better than we can. Their senses are clearly superior to our own.

Prof. Strigiformes seconded his point with reference to the night vision of owls.

And prof. Petromyzon made a similar point with reference to the five opsin genes of the lamprey.

Prof. Notothenioid pointed out that Antarctic icefish have antifreeze instead of hemoglobin, which is a more efficient design if you’re planning to swim the English Channel.

Prof. Loxodonta pointed out that elephants have far more useful noses than human beings do. Have you ever tried to pick up a peanut with your nose? Or use your nose as a straw?

Prof. Edentata seconded his point with reference to anteaters.

Finally, Prof. Chiroptera pointed out that bats have far more acute hearing than humans, which permits them to navigate in the dark using sonar.

I’m just scratching the surface. While various participants at the interspecies symposium sometimes disagreed with one another over which species was more advanced than another, they all agreed that human beings were obviously quite low on the evolutionary ladder, competing with bacteria for the bottom rung.

It was high time to challenge the humanistic bigotry and elitism of the Darwinian establishment and supplant that lopsided model with a theriomorphic model of biological origins and speciation.


  1. I'm sure Prof. E. Cole-Eye would have pointed out that bacteria would survive just about any natural disaster that would wipe out all of humanity, were he not too busy developing his WMD program in a batch of Romaine lettuce. Then again, it's hard to argue with E's PhD dissertation: "If humans are so stupid they promote eating 'organic' food without antibacterial 'contaminates', they deserve to be extinct." As such, he really had no need to show up in the first place.

  2. Delightful! More, please! :)