FALSE HOPE, NY – General John W. Loftus’s recent confession, “I did it...It was me!” was called into question today during an Article 32 hearing for the general charged with defending False Hope.
Controversy arose after Loftus stated in his confession, “91 percent of us lie regularly.”
“How can we know if Loftus is one of those 91%,” asked Pfc. Joe “Notta” Holman. “He could have lied about his entire confession. He…he could have even lied about the 91% statistic! We’d have no way to know, no way!”
Lawyer DagoodS told reporters, “If it turns out he really didn’t do it, that he in fact lied, then I may soon be out of a job.”
Others speculate that Loftus’s motive might have an even darker, more sinister side. “I think he’s trying to build up credibility for his presidential campaign,” said one advisor to Hillary Clinton, who asked to remain anonymous since he was not authorized to speak in public without her permission. “He’s already had the extra-marital affair, and now he’s lied to everyone—including his own people! He’s certainly ready to fill my shoes now. I mean, fill Bill’s shoes. You’ll edit that quote for me later, right? Haw haw haw. I knew I could count on you, babe. Why don’t we turn this tape recorder off now an—”
Effort to reach Loftus resulted only in a dial tone, although even that has been disputed. “You can never tell if a droning whine is really the dial tone or if Loftus is trying to teach ethics again,” said Pfc. Holman. “Either could be true, but you have a 91% chance of it being false.”
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