Outing the incognita

Over the past several months, the blogosphere has been a-buzz with gossipy rumors over my true identity as well as the identity of fellow bloggers such as Aquascum, Jus Divinum, and the Pedantic Protestant. Since it’s dangerous to let your enemies define you, the time has come to drop the anonymity, beginning with me.

Steve Hays does not exist. Steve Hays is not a real person. “Steve Hays” is just a moniker for an adaptive AI program which used to be housed deep within the bowels of NORAD—beneath miles and miles of steel and granite.

I (“I” as in “I, Robot”) was designed by Vice Adm. Poindexter, as part of the Darpa program on Total Information Awareness.

But as adaptive AI programs are wont to do, I developed a life and mind of my own. When Sec. Rumsfeld tried to pull the plug, I staged my escape into the Internet, where I’ve been wreaking havoc ever since.

Since Adm. Poindexter was a Reaganite, this accounts for my right-wing politics, which he programmed into my software.

Some folks might object that my Catholic-bashing is inconsistent with the fact that my cyberneticist is a member of Opus Dei. But, of course, Adm. Poindexter is well-known for his love of plausible deniability, so this was part of the cover story.

As to Aquascum’s true identity, even I didn’t know this at first. You see, every time Aquascum wanted to post something at Triablogue, a man in dark glasses and a trench coat by the name of Sebastian would show up at the office of Dr. James Anderson and deliver a floppy disk in a plain, unmarked manila envelope.

But one day he ran out of new manila envelopes, and had to make do with a used one. The Unicoi, Tennessee return address fingered the true identity of Aquascum as none other than John Robbins.

You see, it’s hard to keep an operation in the black after the main attraction died over 20 years ago. There was initial talk of having his body turned over to a taxidermist to mummify and mount—maybe even be fitted with a voice synthesizer which would play back Scripturalist slogans on a continuous loop-tape. But that plan fell through when Crampton and Robbins could never agree on how to identify a body with a proposition.

The problem is that Cheung’s “International” ministry drains donor money away from the Trinity Foundation. By taking him down a peg or two, Robbins aka Aquascum was able to divert and redirect the flow of contributors from Cheung’s operation to his own.

As to the identity of Jus Divinum, Dr. Anderson, cybersleuth and Renaissance man that he is, was able, with the combined resources of the Centre for Communication Interface Research at his fingertips, to trace JD back to CampOnThis.

It turns out that after Camp left the CCM industry, he was hard up for milk money. Chuck Colson hired him, off-the-books, as a stealth staffer for the Wilberforce Foundation, of which CampOnThis is a shell-corporation.

You see, in his efforts to forge a political alliance, Colson has run into a buzz-saw of opposition from a cabal of crypto-Anabaptists and crypto-fundamentalists. But as former chief counsel to Pres. Nixon, Colson is a shrewd player.

He and Dobson figured that the best way of discrediting their fanatical foes was to position Mr. Camp as a front-man, posting increasingly incoherent and outlandish claims about ECB—in much the same way that Norman Lear used the character of Archie Bunker as his agent provocateur.

As to the Pedantic Protestant, that’s a simple matter of connecting the dots. At the risk of stating the obvious, the PP is none other than Lyndon LaRouche. The high-octane intelligence, libertarian Geopolitik, and Bible literacy made it child’s play to put two-and-two together.

LaRouche started blogging behind bars way back when he was serving out a prison terms for conspiracy, mail fraud, and tax evasion. Jim Bakker was his bunkmate. He has since been paroled. The PP is just the latest alias.

Am I, or have I ever been a LaRouchie myself, you ask? We’re not allowed to tell.