Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Beware of aging atheists and cessationists

Atheists inveigh about the dangers of Christianity while cessationists inveigh against the dangers of Pentecostalism. Ah, but what about the dangers of atheism and cessationism? Consider Cardinal Alba, in John Carpenter's Vampires (1998), who betrayed vampire hunter Jack Crow:

Cardinal Alba: From your expression, I assume you couldn't understand my presence here. I'm sorry to disillusion you, Jack. As one grows old, as death approaches, we begin to question... our fate. And I found mine lacking. "Is there a god? Is there a heaven?" I can no longer answer this for certain. I've witnessed no miracles, had no visions, and the prospect of death terrifies me. I've realized I've only one... alternative, and I made a bargain. With the devil if you wish. 
That's correct, Jack and I can live with that. After I have given what Valek wants, he will fulfill our bargain. And I will be transformed into one of his... new children. It's beautiful, isn't it? Eternal Life... Immortality... can change your heart.

You better not turn your back on John MacArthur. He's 77. Or Richard Dawkins. He's 75. If they panic, they might switch sides and cut a deal with a master vampire! 

Here's a checklist of symptoms in case your friendly cessationist or atheist doesn't seem to be his old self anymore: 

• Stops smiling to conceal his long sharp incisors 

• Sudden change in college major from Accounting to Phlebotomy

• Harping on the Eucharist as real blood

• Switches to the night shift

• Spontaneous combustion when exposed to sunlight

• Avoids mirrors

• Garlic bread induces anaphylactic shock

• Exsanguinated cows in the neighborhood

• Aversion to the Latin Mass. (Vatican II was a godsend for vamps)


  1. Haha! I'm an old-school, cessationist, Real (Spiritual) Presence Presbyterian. This is funny. I have to say, my personality has been compared to that of the Count before, though I could never be a phlebotomist.

    Snicker inducing line: "Aversion to the Latin Mass. (Vatican II was a godsend for vamps)"