Wolf Blitzer, CNN
6:46 PM ET, Fri May 4, 2018
According to preliminary reports, about an hour ago an enormous sinkhole opened up along Pennsylvania Avenue. The White House plunged 100 miles into the magma.
For viewers who may not recall, this all got started back in 2016, during a presidential debate. Here's the exchange:
Hugh Hewett: Mr. Trump. During a recent interview you said you'd put a moratorium on third worlders entering the US if you became President. What would you do if the Second Coming happened while you were President, and Jesus passed through American air space on his way to Jerusalem?
Donald Trump: No one remembers who came in second.
Hugh Hewett: Ok, but I think that missed the point. Jesus was a third worlder. Born in Bethlehem.
Donald Trump: I'll have my lawyers look into that. I mean, has anyone ever seen his birth certificate? Gimme a break!
Hugh Hewett: Back to the main point: what would you do as President if Jesus was about to enter the US?
Donald Trump: I'd order NORAD to shoot him down. We can't have third worlders like Jesus coming to the US.
Hugh Hewett: Do you believe we have military technology to pull that off?
Donald Trump: As president, I will build a counter-air-Christ missile like you've never seen a counter-air-Christ missile. It will be yuge. And classy. And I'll make Lichtenstein pay for it.
Hugh Hewett: You think we can design a missile that's capable of stopping Jesus?
Donald Trump: I will hire the best people. It will be tremendous. If Jesus dares to enter American air space without my permission, he will get schlonged.
This morning, according to anonymous Pentagon sources, a military satellite picked up incoming signals of Jesus returning to earth. Pres. Trump ordered NORAD to shoot him down, but Jesus vaporized the counter-air-Christ missiles in the troposphere. At a hastily convened press conference this afternoon, Pres. Trump had this to say:
Major Garrett: Mr. President. Two hours ago Trump Tower melted like a fudgsicle in Death Valley. Seems like a warning sign. Have you considered issuing an official apology to Jesus for ordering NORAD to shoot him down?
Pres. Trump: Jesus doesn't scare me! He got himself crucified, for crying out loud! Total loser! Why can't he be more like Putin?
Thirty minutes later, the White House was swallowed up by a sink hole. Unconfirmed reports say Pres. Trump was in the Situation Room at the time. Experts are less than sanguine about his prospects in the magma. Chief Justice Maryanne Trump Barry is scheduled to swear in Vice President Carrie Prejean as the next President of the United States.