This week has seen a spate of real-life zombie attacks:
Needless to say, this is what happens when vegans develop a midnight craving for red meat. They can only get by on tofu for so long before their instinctive appetite for real food becomes overpowering. Instead of dialing Dominos for a midnight snack, they prowl the neighborhood for fresh meat.
It’s therefore incumbent on state and local officials to take precautionary measures.
1. All vegans should register with local authorities. That way we can map their whereabouts and track their movements.
2. Outwardly, vegans appear to be almost normal, although they tend to be young, pale, and undernourished. Vegans may even be philosophy majors at ASU.
3. Bumper stickers like Meat is murder, Give Peas a chance, Eat beans not beings, are a dead giveaway.
4. Cable operators should report subscribers who view Whale Wars to local authorities. Netflix fans of Shawn Roberts flicks are also suspect.
5. When neighborhood dogs and cats go missing, that’s a telltale sign of a ravenous vegan near you. This usually escalates to missing joggers.
6. Local authorities must develop a zombie evacuation plan to coordinate escape routes, including alternate routes, in the event that vegans go zombie en masse.
7. Keep a zombie emergency kit in the backseat of your car. It should include beef jerky to toss out the window when your car is pursued by lumbering hoards of man-eating vegans. That should buy you a little extra time.
8. Maintain a well-stocked bunker in the forest while authorities quarantine marauding vegans and transport them to the zoo.
9. Never let your daughter date a vegan. It’s like dropping a mouse into a fish tank with a boa constrictor.