Thursday, June 09, 2011

Revolution in Rome




L'Osservatore Romano
Jun 8, 2012

It’s been a year since the Vatican came under new management. Readers will remember the precipitating event, when Catholic Answers elevated John Bugay to the Pontificate.

As a golden parachute, Pope Bugay offered Benedict XVI the Archdiocese of Detroit. However, that offer hit a snag when Dave Armstrong said Metropolitan Detroit wasn’t big enough for him and the pope.

But Benedict XVI cut a backroom deal with Armstrong in which he offered customers a plenary indulgence for every hot tub they bought from Armstrong.

Gerry Matatics declared Bugay to be the anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-Pope, which–if you didn’t lose count of the double negatives–made Bugay the true successor to St. Peter.

Matatics pledged all of his supporters (consisting of his wife, mother-in-law, 4-year-old son, and two third-cousins) to the new regime in Rome.

There was a personnel shakeup at the Vatican City after Pope Bugay took the reins. Robert Sungenis asked the Holy Father to make him astronomer of the Vatican Observatory, where he hoped to reinstate Dantean geology and cosmology, but Peter Pike had already been offered the top slot at the Vatican Observatory.

Sungenis then asked to be appointed to the Commission for religious relations with the Jews, but that post had already been promised to Alan Kurschner.

Rhology became Cardinal Archivist of the Vatican Library, while Turretinfan took over as Cardinal Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith

In other appointments, Jason Engwer chaired the Pontifical Biblical Commission, Bernabe Belvedere chaired the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, Evan May chaired the Pontifical Commission for Sacred Archeology, Matthew Schultz chaired the International Theological Commission, and Dustin chaired the Pontifical Council for Promoting New Evangelization–while Paul Manata headed the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem.

Patrick Chan presided over the Pontifical Academy of Sciences–when he wasn’t moonlighting as a concierge physician in the Hamptons.

For his part, Matthew Bellisario was made commandant of the Swiss Guard–because he looked so darn cute in the pleated gorget, white gloves and pale grey metal morion with the ostrich-feather plume.

In his capacity as Curator of the Vatican Secret Archives, James Swan discovered a long lost letter from Leo X to Luther, in which Leo admitted that Exsurge Domine was all a big misunderstanding, and preemptively excommunicated anyone who denied sola Scriptura or sola fide.  

In other news, Steve Hays retired to the Maldives to write his memoirs.

14 comments:

  1. "Turretinfan took over as Cardinal Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith"

    No one expects the [location withheld] Inquisition!!

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  2. The thought of Bellisario having to guard a married pope with six kids is - well - nigh unto sublime!

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  3. Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me for:
    President of the Pontifical Commission for Vatican City State

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/President_of_the_Pontifical_Commission_for_Vatican_City_State

    You (and I) won't be disappointed!!
    ; ^ )

    ReplyDelete
  4. In other news, Steve Hays retired to the Maldives to write his memoirs.

    Now there's some great summer reading!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ok EA, you can be President of the Pontifical Commission for Vatican City State.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ...ArchBishopess

    Is that a real word?

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  7. Rhology became Cardinal Archivist of the Vatican Library

    ...and was never seen or heard from again. Though there did grow a legend of a very, very pale redhead wandering about the vast stacks of the library late at night, muttering something about "it was all true..."

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  8. TF,

    I don't think anyone has ever argued wisdom among that body of wise men at that location withheld?

    Pro 22:3 The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.
    Pro 22:4 The reward for humility and fear of the LORD is riches and honor and life.
    Pro 22:5 Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.


    ...

    Pro 27:11 Be wise, my son, and make my heart glad, that I may answer him who reproaches me.
    Pro 27:12 The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

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  9. Wants to bring himself to say you guys are bad and should behave but laughing too much to make a convincing case for such ....

    Are all the positions taken? I really like history.

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  10. Hi GREV, pick a position, any position ...

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  11. my former bodyguard is offering.. vatican positions?

    can i be *the curia princess* .. can i.. can i.. please.. pretty pretty please?????

    signed
    ali.. former *NTRMIN board princess*

    :D

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ali, everywhere I go, you will always be "The Princess".

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yippieeee! ::flounces about with her additional princess title::

    :D

    ~Ali

    ReplyDelete