Sunday, March 27, 2011

Customizing hell

Dave Armstrong said...

Steve Hays over at Cryablogue is on record, saying that I am "evil" and (as an extra bonus) also a "schizophrenic." I think he actually believes these things, too: they were not mere name-calling. He stopped short of sentencing me to hell but perhaps that is yet to come. He doesn't want to shoot off all his ammo all at once, you see.

Sentencing Armstrong to hell is bit above my pay grade. My role in that transaction is purely advisory and logistical.

You see, dear ol’ Dave presents something of an architectural dilemma. There’s only one of him, and the damned are ordinarily assigned to just one circle of hell rather than another. The problem this poses is that Dave is a deserving candidate for more than one circle of hell. His rapacious, fraudulent business in panacean hot tubs qualifies him for both the fourth circle and the eighth; his vindictive penchant for holding grudges qualifies him for the fifth circle, while his papistical heresies qualify him for the sixth circle.

The higher-ups had originally proposed a time-sharing arrangement, but that was overruled on the grounds that he ought to suffer simultaneously for his multifaceted transgressions. At that point I was brought into the deliberations as an unpaid consultant to render technical assistance in resolving the conundrum. I suggested to Gabriel that a new annex be designed and specially outfitted with state-of-the-art implements just for dear ol’ Dave.

So that represents the full extent of my contribution to his eternal reward. Last I heard, pandemonium’s best engineers are making the necessary preparations for his long-anticipated arrival. 

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