The parable of the good secularian

And, behold, a certain trial lawyer stood up, and tempted Ted Kennedy, saying Master, what shall I do to inherit liberal brownie points?

He said unto him, What is written in the DNC platform? How readest thou?

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy Nanny State with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself.

And he said unto him, thou hast answered right; this do, and thou shalt inherit many liberal brownie points.

But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Ted, And who is my neighbor?

And Ted answering said, A certain Amerasian went down from Cambridge to Boston, and fell among muggers, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.
And by chance there came down a certain liberal that way: and when he saw him, he text-messaged his Congressman to create a new social program to assist the victims of muggers.

And likewise a Democrat, when he was at that place, saw him through his windshield, and shook his head—blaming Karl Rove.

But a certain secular progressive, as he journeyed, came where he was; and when he saw him, dialed 9-1-1 and drove away in his Volvo.

And when the ambulance arrived, paramedics took him unto the Boston ER. But the Boston ER was closed on account of it going into the red by providing free medical services for Mexican Mafia gang-bangers.

Thus the paramedics had to have our Amerasian victim medevaced to Amherst, many furlongs thither.

And there he was told to take a number and stand in line forasmuch as Hillarycare leadeth unto the rationing of medical goods and services.

After a fortnight he was admitted unto the ER. There he partook a transfusion for blood loss. As ill luck would have it, he partook the wrong blood type, for the phlebotomist could in no wise read his medical chart in the King’s English inasmuch as that would be sore discriminatory. And so he fell straightway into a coma.

Thereafter, his foot was accidentally amputated on account of a dyslexic hospital orderly who mistook his room number for the room number of another, diabetic, patient—whence he wheeled the wrong patient into the operating room. (The hospital had an hiring quota for dyslexic hospital orderlies.)

As a comatose amputee, the Amerasian was summarily euthanized, the better to put him out of the hospital’s misery—and free up some precious organs for the transplant team.

By and by, his muggers were apprehended and put on trial. They were forthwith acquitted as the piteous victims of tragic circumstances.

As their ACLU barrister remonstrated with the jury, the Amerasian decedent was the abhorrent issue of demi-white privilege. Verily had the proverbial chickens cometh home to roost.

Aye, he was but half honky. Was he not part Asian as well? Verily. But some underprivileged minorities were more equal than others. Asian immigrants were too industrious and law-abiding to condignly merit minority status. To merit minority status, thou hadst to rob a mom-and-pop store, not run a mom-and-pop store.

Accordingly, the Amerasian decedent was posthumously charged with an hate crime for grievously provoking the muggers by being the abhorrent issue of demi-white privilege. His estate was heavily fined while his muggers were awarded reparations for their posttraumatic slavery syndrome.

Which of these, thinkest thou, was neighbor unto him that fell among muggers?

And he said, He that shewed mercy killing on him. Then said Ted unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.