FALSE HOPE, NY – In an unprecedented legal move today, Judge Ben Kryin-Lotts ordered his entire jury hanged over “a simple disagreement.”
“We should treat each other as Christians,” Judge Ben stated. “Not like those salacious, disrespectful, slanderous, ignorant, discordant, reprobate fools on Triablogue who substitute insult for substantial responses. But what do you expect from trash?”
After executing the jury, Judge Ben went on to ban Triabloguers from his courtroom forever, even while saying he would continue to respond to them for those who “still like to follow trash around.” Experts agree this probably refers to Arminians in general.
“I hereby decree all Triabloguers are Satan incarnate,” Ben stated, adding only: “Respectfully, of course.”
When asked for comment, one Triablogger responded with: “Isn’t Ben the ice cream guy? I wasn’t even aware he had a website.”
In unrelated news, Judge Ben Kryin-Lotts checked into Mount Sinai Rehab Clinic today after reports that he kicked sand in the face of a four-year-old on a playground were backed up by video evidence taken from his own cell phone camera. Additionally, the eviction notice his mother placed on his basement room door was found to be legally binding, and the judge in that case also ruled that Ben’s Nintendo system does in fact belong to his brother after all.
One of Ben’s spokesmen said Ben had suffered a “nervous breakdown brought on by lack of intestinal fortitude” but a source in the hospital said, “Ben read through Paul Manata’s last post and short circuited a few synapses.” The source asked to remain anonymous since Ben had not given J.C. Thibodaux permission to speak in public after his disastrous performance at last night’s Grammy Awards ceremony, where Thibodaux appeared wearing a skimpy outfit and a placard that said, "Britney Was Framed!"