Sarcasm: How to be an Atheologian

Disclaimer: the following post is sarcastic. It is not intended to be representative of the tactics used by all or most atheologians.

Jeff Lowder had a little fun with Christian apologists, and since we're in the giving season, I returned the favor.

1. God is mean; He's to be avoided at all costs. No matter how good the arguments for theism are, you can (a) claim you'd never believe in a God who sends people to hell, (b) bring up that your theist interlocutor said "crap" in one of your dialogs and therefore Christianity must fail to improve people’s moral condition.

2. When you mention objections to God, be sure to attack some mutated God, made in your image. Do not let the theists or the Bible tell you what God is like, no(!), you know more about what God is like than those backwoods theists anyway.

3. If you must answer an objection, make sure your objections shift the burden of proof. Then employ evolution or made up beings, either is sufficient to avoid any necessary link between God and moral obligations. Finally, always leave with a parting shot about the inquisitions or the crusades. For example, when you complain that God is a meanie (see 1) but are pressed by the theist to offer an account of morality in terms of which you're indicting God, you will:

i) Tell him, "Oh, I guess you'll tell me that morality came from God? That's a god-of-the-gaps argument. 'God-did-it' isn't an answer."

ii) If you are still pressed, use you own "god(less)-of-the-gaps" argument. Theists are too slow to catch on. For example, tell them Momma-Nature-did-it, or that Ideal-Observer-did-it.

iii) Then, before the theist has a chance to answer, be sure to let them know that the Christian God cannot be the foundation for morality; the crusades and inquisitions already have disproved the link between theism and morality.

Bonus points:

iv) If the theist tell you that this was an ad-hominem attack, failing to address the issue, just say "Fine, forget about that, why did God kill the Amalekites?" (Hint: If you do run a cross a theist intelligent enough to see through your ad-hominem attack, chances are he won't be so lucky twice in a row and catch that you just re-introduced your original objection.)

4. Try to keep your objectors from being taken seriously. Either (a) tell people their arguments must be bad since they haven't been published in a peer review journal, (b) that only superstitious and ignorant people believe in God, no scientifically minded person (who has a refrigerator!) could believe that a dead human body could be resurrected back to life, (c) that theism is wrong about man having a soul since Feuerbach claimed "You are what you eat," and, lastly, tell people that (d) "It is absolutely safe to say that if you meet somebody who claims not to believe in evolution, that person is ignorant, stupid or insane (or wicked, but I'd rather not consider that)."

5. Here's another strategy for dealing with objections: whenever applicable, don't hesitate to remind your audience that "science has proven such and such!" There is no immaterial mind, "science has proven such and such." When pointed out that this isn't a scientific issue, let out a guffaw and make sure that everyone in the room knows that if science can't answer it, no one can. Even if the majority of philosophers have been dualists, it doesn't matter. Either they lived back in the superstitious days (cf. 4), or they dare blaspheme against the findings of modern science. You can have your atheological cake and eat it too! In fact, even if the consensus is on your side, go ahead and point out the bias of the scholarly minority. For example, let people know that there are no "Christian" scientists. They're just biased and want to "prove God" to your little children.

6. When debating Christians, always insist on telling them they have the burden of proof. Then when they start speaking in order to prove their point tell them that they always want to go first and never give you the chance to go first. (See #6 here.) In fact, just take up all the time talking, and then before you walk away, be sure to remind them that they have the burden.

7. Be sure to never study reformed theology. God and Calvin are mean. Even if the atheological arguments against foreknowledge and freedom, time, God and evil, the argument from non-belief, &c, are fully answered by Calvinistic/reformed doctrines, it doesn't matter because Calvin burned Servetus... and that's mean.

8. If all else fails, simply focus on the fact that if atheism is true we go around once in life and there's really no ultimate justice or punishment. But don't actually think about what Christianity teaches about non-Christians. I know this will sound odd, but some people actually object to the idea that there's a God who has a perfect law which we transgress every day because we want to be our own little gods. Continue to tell yourself that you're good enough and you've not really been that bad. After all, we can comfort ourselves by the fact that if there is a God he's kind of like a grandfather in the sky. He'll wink at our transgressions and let us in to the big party. It just can't really be the case that we hate God, despise His Lordship, and seek to be rebellious in His universe thus making our punishments just. If that were the case then that kind of God wouldn't exist because, well, that kind of God is mean (see rule #1).

9. Since we're losing the intellectual battle, get guys like Dawkins, Harris, and Gaffin to mock Christians and tell everyone how dangerous Christianity is. After all, forget about engaging Christians in the intellectual arena, just tell people that if they become Christians they're just like Muslim extremists! Make sure we label everything correctly. Point out that flying a plane into a building is destroying life but ripping a child out of her mother's womb is just a "medical procedure." Don't let people know that a bunch of physical bag-o'-meat flew a physical plane into a physical building killing a bunch more physical bags-o'-meat, because then who would care (except the Ideal Observer, perhaps)? This is known because hardly anyone cares when a "clump of cells" is "surgically extracted" from the body of a human being with dignity.

10. Take crazy argument like TAG and refute them with sane arguments like TANG. Tell people that they only defend it at Christian conferences and on audio cassettes. Be sure to leave out the fact they it has been defended at universities against men like: Stein, Tabash, Goldstick, Barker, etc., and when men like Michael Martin are challenged they don't show up.

Then assume a communistic economical theory and complain when the debates are sold for a profit. This has the added bonus of taking attention away from the fact that the sophisticated, educated and peer-reviewed atheists always seem to get the short end of the stick in the debate.

And, if that doesn't work, tell people "Science has refuted TAG."