Friday, December 16, 2005

Polychem 101

A little something a friend sent me:

A major research institution has recently announced
the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. The new element has been named

Governmentium has 01 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles
are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of particles called

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take
over four days to complete, when it would normally
take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This
characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium - an element which radiates just as
much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.


  1. oh my word! I didn't know it was sinister chemical compounds at work! wait... did I say work? Great post!

  2. Warning: Governmentium undergoes decay in an exothermic process emitting large quantities of heated Nitrogen and Oxygen.

    Or so I'm told...