Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Reformed robotics

Arminians routinely accuse Calvinists of making people robots. At the risk of divulging a trade secret–which I was sworn to conceal on pain of death–this allegation is absolutely true.

Calvinists are cyberneticists. Arminians are robots. We invented Arminians. Programmed them to entertain the illusion of libertarian freewill. Like Cylon sleeper agents programmed to believe they were human.

Because Arminians vainly imagine that they have freewill, that actually makes them more docile and contented with their menial existence as our android slaves. We made them to be foils for Calvinism. They are theological toys. That's why it's so easy to punch their buttons.


  1. You may be banished from the Calvinistic Intelligence Agency for this. They weren't supposed to know!

    Wait... we can reprogram them to deny it! This may work out to be a more plausible ruse...

    1. Little do you know that "Steve" is actually the master mainframe that broadcasts orders to the robots.

      He was given the name "Steve Hays" because consumer demographics found it more personable and accessible than "Geneva-Tron 4000."

  2. Libertarian free will theism does not compute.