Sky High

During my weekly audience with the angel Gabriel, I asked him about Arminians like Jerry Walls and Roger Olson who were refurbishing Purgatory. Gabriel informed me that there is, in fact, an Arminian Purgatory, although it’s rather different than what Walls and Olson imagine.

As Gabriel explained, when Calvinists and Arminians die, St. Peter sorts them into two different lines. Calvinists are directed to the express lane, which takes them straight to heaven.

(In case you’re wondering, there are big signs saying “Arminians Here,” “Calvinists Here”.)

By contrast, Arminians are sent to reeducation camps. It resembles the school in Kurt Russell’s Sky High.

John Calvin is the principal. That’s where recently-deceased Arminians are patiently tutored in the 5 points of Calvinism by Isaiah, St. John, and St. Paul.

Classes also include testimonials from recovering Arminians and past alumni like John and Charles Wesley, who recount their deconversion from the errors of Arminius.

Some Arminians have to repeat the course several times to fully purge Arminian errors from their system.

After Arminians receive their diploma, graduates are then put on a bus and taken to heaven.