Sunday, December 09, 2012

Background checks

To: Head of Security
From: Steve
Re: Screening

Mr. Manata,

It’s come to my attention that I’ve been remiss in properly screening applicants to join Triablogue. Due to my negligence, we have at least on admitted Santa sympathizer on the team. Heaven knows how many other closet Santa-ists are lurking in the shadows. We need to stamp out the contagion before it spreads any further.

From now on, when you interview applicants, using a polygraph, include the following questions:

Are you now, or have you ever been a Santa-ist?

When did you lose faith in Santa and his little helpers?

Have you ever left a glass of milk or plate of Chips Ahoy for Santa on Christmas Eve?

Have you ever written letters to Santa?

Have you ever allowed your kids to sit on Santa’s lap, thereby contributing to the moral turpitude of minors?

At what time didst thou renounce Santa and all his flying reindeer (Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen), the vain pomp and glory of the North Pole, with all covetous desires for candy and toys, and the sinful desires of his elvish helpers, so that thou wilt not follow, nor be led by them?

In addition, because at least one Santa-ist slipped through the cracks, conduct background checks on current teammates with Santa-ist associates (e.g. grandmother, ex girlfriend, kindergarten teacher).


  1. After the Santa-ists are eliminated, the Belsnickel-ists may also need to be dealt with.

  2. I may have disagreed with steve about the spectacular sign gifts and pled for charity, but sympathising with Satan Klaws is a bridge too far. Off with his avatar!

  3. Speaking of Triablogue contributors, what happened to Gene Bridges?