Tips on taking the Demon Test

Dear Screwtape,

I was wondering if I should take Bob Larson’s Demon Test. I, along with some other fledging devils, recently took possession of a retired kindergarten teacher in Florida. Should we make her take the test?

If so, how should we make her answer the questionnaire? It doesn’t seem to occur to Rev. Larson that a demoniac might lie on the test. Doesn’t he realize that demons are congenital liars?

Sincerely,

Wormwood

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Dear Wormwood,

Thanks for your inquiry. Yes, Larson seems to be pretty gullible for an exorcist and countercult specialist. I mean, if a respondent really were possessed, how could Larson trust him to answer truthfully? But we can turn his credulity to our advantage.

Mind you, if I were a cynical demon, I’d suspect that Larson is just a scam artist who’s trying to con simple believers out of their greenbacks. But I’m too idealistic to impute such venal motives to this great man of God.

Sincerely,

Screwtape

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Dear. Screwtape,

Thanks for the suggestion. You’re such a sly devil!

You said we should exploit Larson’s gullibility. How do you propose we do that?

Sincerely,

Wormwood

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Dear Wormwood,

Use the Demon Test as a set-up to expose Larson as a greedy charlatan and shameless opportunist. Feed him the answers he wants to hear. Play him for a chump.

Arrange an “exorcism” with his ditzy daughters. Make sure someone’s there with a digital camcorder.

His bimbo girls have never confronted a real live demon. They are just play-acting. They don’t have the slightest inkling what it’s like to actually come face-to-face with the dark side.

Give them the real thing, complete with poltergeist effects. Flying furniture. Hellhounds. Red eyes glowing in the dark. Freak lightning strikes. A Carmina Burana soundtrack playing in the background. The works!

Scare the living daylights out of them. Then when they run screaming from the room, upload the whole scene on YouTube.

Sincerely,

Screwtape

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Dear Screwtape,

Thanks for the helpful advice. Larson is such a tool! It’s unwitting dupes like him who encourage unbelievers mock the very existence of the devil by making the whole thing seem utterly ridiculous. That enables us to fly under the radar.

Sincerely,

Wormwood.