Saturday, January 16, 2010

Tales From the Darkside

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings — just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan



(Pat Robertson - false prophet since,what 1975 at least?)


  1. That's one of the same points that crossed my mind.

  2. That was interesting.

    This nation has a dark history for sure.

    "The Roman Catholic Church's role as the State Church ended in 1987. An estimated 75% of Catholics are also actively involved in Voodoo, a development of West African spiritism and witchcraft. In 2003 Voodoo was declared a national religion. There is freedom of religion." -Patrick Jonhstone and Jason Mandryk, From Operation World

    Satan can play the role of a black angel, and he can play the role of a white angel as well.

    Pat is a foolish man for saying what he said.
    His theology is prosperity theology, and so the devil causes poverty, and hurt, and God never does.

  3. The entire satire that has been presented is dubious at best given the Calvinistic stance of the author. Temporal afflictions of humans predestined for hell for eternity should raise little concern for the “elect”; they get to view the eternal punishments of a “loving God” on finite, non-elect humans for eternity.


  4. The entire satire that has been presented is dubious at best given the Calvinistic stance of the author.Temporal afflictions of humans predestined for hell for eternity should raise little concern for the “elect”;

    The entire post by Akakius that has presented is dubious at best given the ignorance about Calvinism by the author.

    We do not know who is elect and non-elect. Calvinism does not assume that people killed in disasters are unregenerate and destined for hell. That's not our business.

    We affirm what Scripture teaches, namely that some evils befall men for God's glory, not because of their sins (John 5), and some evils may befall men do to possible moral causes (Luke 13), but that is a call for the covenant community's members to reflect upon themselves lest the same things befall them.

    I reject Robertson's ascriptions of specific evils to the people of Haiti (which are historically inaccurate), and his link of that to this evil, as if this is God's punishment upon them because of some deal with Old Horny. Robertson is a false prophet, just like the founder of the Jehovah's Witnesses, sir, was a false prophet.

  5. Akakius

    I would be curious to read your take on this:::>

    Psa 37:12 The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes his teeth at him,
    Psa 37:13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he sees that his day is coming.


    Psa 73:3 For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
    Psa 73:4 For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek.
    Psa 73:5 They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
    Psa 73:6 Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment.
    Psa 73:7 Their eyes swell out through fatness; their hearts overflow with follies.
    Psa 73:8 They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression.
    Psa 73:9 They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth.
    Psa 73:10 Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them.
    Psa 73:11 And they say, "How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?"
    Psa 73:12 Behold, these are the wicked; always at ease, they increase in riches.


    Pro 15:10 There is severe discipline for him who forsakes the way; whoever hates reproof will die.
    Pro 15:11 Sheol and Abaddon lie open before the LORD; how much more the hearts of the children of man!

  6. This is humorous to be sure and not a bad point to make to those buried in darkness when standing on the bright ground of truth.

    I have to wonder about the literary irony that typically accompanies the mythos of "selling one's soul to the devil." This is where when one sells one's soul to the devil to accomplish some immediate goal they are frought for the rest of their lives with the fallout of some significant, if tangential, effect otherwise previously overlooked. In this case, it is said the Haitians made their pact with the devil for success in fighting for their immediate freedom. However, they seem to have suffered for it ever since having succumbed to subsequent perpetual poverty.