Friday, May 16, 2008

Reformed Devil-worshipers

From C. S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain

"If God's moral judgment differs from ours so that our 'black' may be His 'white', we can mean nothing by calling Him good; for to say 'God is good', while asserting that His goodness is wholly other than ours, is really only to say 'God is we know not what'. And an utterly unknown quality in God cannot give us moral grounds for loving or obeying Him. If He is not (in our sense) 'good' we shall obey, if at all, only through fear--and should be equally ready to obey an omnipotent Fiend. The doctrine of Total Depravity--when the consequence is drawn that, since we are totally depraved, our idea of good is worth simply nothing--may thus turn Christianity into a form of devil-worship."

Labels: C. S. Lewis, the problem of evil
posted by Victor Reppert @ 8:08 PM


After C.S. Lewis blew our cover, Calvinism initiated a church growth program back in the 60s, beginning with Rosemary’s Baby, followed by The Omen.

The OPC started the WC as a front organization to launch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. More recently, the PCA premiered Reaper on the CW as a successful recruiting tool.

In other developments, Albert Mohler, our plant in the SBC, has organized the Junior Omnipotent Fiend Club, modeled on the Boy Scouts. Junior Fiends are awarded baphomets instead of merit badges.

In the past, it’s been difficult to attract new members to Reformed churches due to our dour, puritanical style of worship. Blood-pacts kept old members coming, but it’s been hard to draw new members.

However, once word got out that we actually celebrate orgies under a full moon, attendance at our worship services has swelled appreciably. We’ve had to hire several full-time phlebotomists to process the additional paperwork.


  1. And it only gets worse.

    Although I'll soon be headed over to New Orleans under the guise of attending a friend's wedding, the dark truth is that I'm really there to meet Evan May for a possible recruitment related opportunity (by the way, Evan also goes by the alias "the Vampire Lestat"; read his interview with Anne Rice).

    Evan and I then plan to meet a Creole fortune teller and voodoo artist at the Lalaurie House in order to conduct a seance to bring back the madamme of the mansion, Delphine herself. We're hoping the queen of the macabre and kindred (in spirit) of the Marquis de Sade can help us determine how best to recruit the next generation of the young, the restless, and the Deformed Reformed.

    We're not sure how this will work out, though, but even if it fails, at least we can go out to Bourbon Street in the French Quarter for, shall we say, a little neighborhood blood-letting.

    Plus, we can always recoup our lost time and efforts by visiting a local raised cemetery and calling forth the damned to join our ranks. They're both willing and able.

  2. "To me every year Pseudopodeo looks more and more like Anton LaVey (the founder of the Church of Satan). It is frightening." -- Art Sippo

  3. Laurence Vance was right about 5 being the number of death...only he was wrong on one thing...WE DID THAT ON PURPOSE!

    Also, the real story behind the execution of Servetus: Calvin didn't want anyone spoiling his goal to become the Dark Overlord Shaman of the Hogwarts School of Medicine.

  4. I can’t tell you how proud we are of Evan May and Patrick Chan. They are two of our finest graduates. They first came to us as preschool students at Heck’s Angels Academy, where we taught them how to sacrifice black cats and recite the Black Mass in pig Latin; from there they joined the Junior Omnipotent Fiend Club, where Michelle Gellar gave the commencement address last year, before they finally attended the Senior Omnipotent Fiend Club, after swearing their eternal fealty to his infernal Majesty. If the younger generation is going to hell in a hand basket, it’s in no small thanks to covenant children like Evan May and Patrick Chan.