In the Name of the Corkscrew, the Rolling Pin, and the...

By Martin Marty
The Post-Christian Century
6/23/2008


Delegates to a plenary session of the World Council of Churches reconvened today to continue their deliberations over the wording of the new baptismal formula.

The traditional Trinitarian formula—“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit”—was rejected by unanimous vote as deeply complicit in patriarchal power structures.

John Spong, Archbishop of Canterbury and titular head of the Anglican Communion, which—after recent developments—was confined to the south transept of Canterbury Cathedral, chaired the proceedings.

Due to the sexist overtones of all androcentric metaphors, delegates agreed that any substitute language should be drawn from the realm of inanimate objects.

After further deliberation, and another round of voting, kitchen utensils were deemed to be a suitably neutral mode of expression.

A draft of the new baptismal formula originally read: “In the name of the Toaster, the Turkey Baster, and the Butterknife.”

Marilyn McCord-Adams, representing the EC-CNOEVIL, rose in opposition to the “Butterknife.”

“It is imperative,” she said, “that we end the cycle of violence against dairy products.”

Rosemary Reuther, representing the UMC-UROK, proposed “Eggbeater” in place of “Butterknife.”

As she went on to explain, an eggbeater would capture the feminine dimension of the godhead, as a hen to the cosmic egg.

Elisabeth Schüssler-Fiorenza, representing the LC-IMQUEER, rose in opposition to the “Turkey Baster” because it connoted the imperialistic oppression of all non-human animals.

Catherine Kroeger, representing the PC-BYOURSELF, proposed the “Spatula” in place of the “Turkey Baster.”

In related news, a transgender representative of the UCC-241&142, died of kidney failure after he/she boycotted the gender-specific bathroom facilities.