As
culturally astute observers have already noted, the end of Hostess marks the
fateful prelude to the zombie apocalypse (a la Zombieland). So we need to take
precautionary measures. Time is running out.
My recommendation is mandatory mass conversion to Judaism.
Jewish zombies won’t eat you alive. It’s not kosher. At a minimum, you need to
be exsanguinated before you find yourself on the dinner menu. And since zombies
don’t rate very high on the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale, it’s unlikely
that they’d be smart enough to practice shechita.
As a fringe benefit, this precautionary measure is equally
applicable to Jewish vampires, in case vampires take over the world (a la
Daybreakers).
If both zombies and vampires try to take over the
world, the rest of us can retreat into our Idaho bunkers and wait until the
coast is clear.
Admittedly, Reform Jewish zombies might have no compunction
about taking a bite out of you. You can only count on Hasidic zombies and
Hasidic vampires to honor the kosher code. So the mandate must favor Hasidism.
There are negotiations which may render this analysis moot:
ReplyDeleteJudge Robert Drain asked both sides to join him Tuesday for a mediation session where he will try to broker a new contract. If Tuesday's long-shot session fails, then the company will be able to return to court Wednesday to try to move ahead with its plans to close down.
A settlement here could mean that the coming zombie apocalypse is not imminent.
That's a relief!
ReplyDelete