Saturday, September 26, 2009

Exodus: the alternate history


Now Moses kept the flock of Jethro his father in law, the priest of Midian: and he led the flock to the backside of the desert, and came to the mountain of God, even to Horeb. And the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed. And Moses said, I will now turn aside, and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt.

And when the Lord saw that he turned aside to see, God called unto him out of the midst of the bush, and said, Moses, Moses. And he said, Here am I.

And he said, Moses, I do hope I’m not interrupting thee. I’d like to ask thee a favor. If now is not convenient, I’ll reschedule.

And Moses said, Tending sheep is a drag, man. So what dost thou want?

And the Lord said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows; And I am come down to see if I can deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and try my best to bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey; unto the place of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites.

Come now therefore, if it’s okay with thee, I’d really like to send thee unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest possibly bring forth my people the children of Israel out of Egypt.

If thou mindest not, please go, and gather the elders of Israel together, and say unto them, The Lord God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob, appeared unto me, saying, I have surely visited you, and seen that which is done to you in Egypt: And I have said, I will try my very best to bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt unto the land of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, unto a land flowing with milk and honey.

And they may or may not hearken to thy voice. In case they do, thou shalt come, thou and the elders of Israel, unto the king of Egypt, and ye shall say unto him, The Lord God of the Hebrews hath met with us: and now let us go, we beseech thee, three days' journey into the wilderness, that we may sacrifice to the Lord our God.

Of course, I’m not sure whether or not the king of Egypt will let you go, since he hath the freedom to doeth otherwise. But I’m betting that I may be able stretch out my hand, and smite Egypt with all my wonders which I will do in the midst thereof: and after that he may or may not let you go. I can’t force his hand. But I’ll give it my best shot.

And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.

And the guilt of the Lord was kindled against Moses, and he said, I’m sorry, Moses. I didn’t mean to Lord it over thee. I can’t lift a finger to make thee do anything against thine own will. Sometimes I forget who is running the show around here. Please accept my sincerest apologies. I meanest not to impose on thee.

And the Lord said unto Moses, If thou choosest to return into Egypt, please see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will respect his freedom of choice, that he may or may not let the people go.

And if I’m lucky, the Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord, when I stretch forth mine hand upon Egypt, and bring out the children of Israel from among them. But I can’t make any promises.

Luxor Grand Opening

LUXOR (Cairo Times) -- President Hosni Mubarak cut the ribbons at grand opening of the Luxor casino today.

The Luxor was built by Jewish slave labor–descendents of Jacob who–due to an abortive attempt by Yahweh to deliver them in the 2nd millennium BC–remained in Egypt ever since.

According to one account, Moses cut a deal with Pharaoh to play out the clock on the Ten Plagues in exchange for restoration of privileges at the royal court.


  1. Ah, way to go, Steve! That's very funny!

    And also sad at the same time.

    Thanks for the yucks and the tears!

  2. Poor God. It must suck for the Creator to not be sovereign like His created beings are.

  3. I just had a thought after reading this re-write. Namely, if the Arminians are right about libertarian free-will then either:

    a) Biblical history is irrelevant


    b) people's decisions force God to take specific actions in the past in order make a meaningful Biblical history.

    Given that we derive meaning from Biblical history that influences our decisions, 'a' can't be true. Given the Arminian presupposition of libertarian free-will, 'b' is impossible. In either case, it's logically incoherent. How can you have a meaningful Biblical history without the sovreignty of God?