Monday, June 15, 2009

A schlimazel's worldview

No, you have perfect reflexes. The problem is that you live in a world where malicious walls and spiteful poles move around when you're not looking to trip you. They really weren't there the moment before. But the instant you look away, they move in front of you to block you and trip you.

With walls and poles constantly changing positions to block you and trip you when your attention is momentarily diverted, it's a tribute to your wonder reflexes that you manage to avoid colliding with as many malicious, mobile walls and poles as you do. It takes an Olympic class athlete to adapt as quickly as you do to this enchanted forest of a world you've been condemned to live in.

Of course, the walls and poles don't do this to everyone. Just to make you look bad, they act perfectly inanimate in the company of most other folks. But they pick on certain individuals, to make them appear uncoordinated in public.

They especially like to do this when you go out on a date with a pretty girl. The wine glass is pretending to be an inanimate object, but as soon as you glance away, the wine glass spills itself on the tablecloth.

You should consider forming a support group for other victims of spiteful, willful walls and poles. You're not alone, Patrick! You're not the only person who's been the victim of pranks and practical jokes by "inanimate" objects.

Most "accident-prone" individuals are simply too embarrassed to tell other people what so-called inanimate objects are really like–since they know from sorry experience that their friends and family members won't believe them.

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