Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The Magisterial MapQuest

I’ve been reading Cardinal Dulles’ recent book on the Magisterium. As every good Catholic knows, and every benighted Protestant fails to realize, without the Catholic Magisterium to guide us, we’re at sea without a map and compass.

I plugged his Magisterial coordinates into MapQuest to get my spiritual directions. This instantly illustrates the superiority of the Magisterial GPS over sola Scriptura. With the Magisterium by your side, you can never lose your way.

1: Start out heading north on Charisma Veritatis Certum Dr. toward a two-way stop.

2: Turn left onto St. Vincent St.

3: If you hit a dead end, back up and turn right onto Cardinal Newman St.

4: Merge onto the eastbound lane of the Sensus Fidei Expressway.

5: Take Exit Magisterium Cathedrae Magistralis.

6: If you hit a cul-de-sac, retrace your steps and take Exit Magisterium Cathedrae Pastoralis.

7: If you hit another cul-de-sac, retrace your steps and take Exit Magisterium Docens.

8: If you hit yet another cul-de-sac, retrace your steps and take Exit Magisterium Attestans.

9: If you hit one more cul-de-sac, retrace your steps and take Exit Magisterium Seu Scientificum.

10: Turn right onto Collegialis Affectus Av. toward a three-way stop.

11: Turn left onto Paternal Consensus Lane.

12: If you hit a blind alley, double back and turn right onto Doctoral Consensus Lane.

13: If you hit another blind alley, double back and keep going straight. Collegealis Affectus Av. will merge into Theologist Consensus Lane.

14: Continue on Theologist Consensus Lane until you come to a two-way stop. Turn left onto Dicastery In Forma Communi St.

15: If you hit a dead-end, make a U-turn and then turn right on Dicastery In Forma Specifica St.

16: When you reach Salaverri Blvd., turn right onto 1st Theological Note Av.

17: If you hit a dead end, reverse course and then turn right onto 2nd Theological Note Av.

18: If you hit another dead end, reverse course and then turn right onto 3rd Theological Note Av. Repeat if necessary until you make a right turn onto 14th Theological Note Av. toward a two-way stop.

19: Turn left onto Ordinary Magisterial Lane.

20: If you hit a blind alley, turn around, then make a right turn onto Extraordinary Magisterial Lane toward another two-way stop.

21: Turn left onto Primary Infallible Object Av.

22: If you hit another blind alley, turn around, then make a right turn onto Secondary Infallible Object Av. toward another two-way stop.

23: Turn left onto Virtual Revelatory Lane.

24: If you hit yet another blind alley, turn around, then make a right turn onto Formal Revelatory Lane toward yet another two-way stop.

25: Continue driving until you reach the Great Schism drawbridge. (Average waiting time: 39 years.)

26: After crossing, turn left on Canons Av.

27: If you hit a dead end, back up and make a right turn onto Chapters Av., heading south.

28: When you reach Sentire Cum Ecclesia Dr., turn right onto De Fide Credenda Blvd.

29: If you hit a cul-de-sac, double back and turn left onto De Fide Tenenda Blvd. toward a two-way stop.

30: Turn left onto Obsequium Religiosum Lane.

31: If you hit a dead-end, backtrack until you can make a right turn onto Obsequiosum Silentium Lane toward a 3-way stop.

32: Go straight across Ad Tuendam Fidam Dr. Continue on Tridentine Professio Fide St.

33: If you hit a blind alley, reverse course and turn left onto 1967 Professio Fide St.

34: If you hit another blind alley, reverse course and turn right onto 1989 Professio Fide St. toward the Ratzinger-Bertone Viaduct.

35: Take Exit Imperialist.

36: If case the through street just below the off ramp (Mysterium Ecclesiae) is closed, take the Conciliarist detour.

37: If the Conciliarist detour hits a cul-de-sac, turn onto Papist Lane.

38: Turn right onto Liberae Disceptationis Dr.

39: In case Liberae Disceptationis Dr. is washed out, double back and make a left turn onto Sincere Adhaereatur Av. toward Assensum St., heading west.

40: Turn right onto Charisma Veritatis Certum Dr., heading north.

Total Est. Time: 2000 years and counting.

18 comments:

  1. LOL--that's right--Catholicism is about as "certain" as Mapquest; no, I take that back, Mapquest is a bit more "certain," but not by much. (I've lost track of how many times Mapquest has failed me!)

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  2. Steve,

    I received the following error message when I attempted to enter the coordinates into MapQuest:

    "We're Sorry. MapQuest does not support Lamentabili Sane (v. 1.0).
    Please contact the Magesterial Help Desk for further assistance. If the error persists, please refer to the Catechism Handbook or the Encylical Manual for more details."


    I'm still lost. Please advise.

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  3. EA,

    Try reciting a Novena to St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes. Perhaps the BVM can make a stopover during her next apparition and point you in the right direction.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You guys must be using MuppetQuest

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow...you guys nailed it. Catholics suck...we rock. Pillars of Christian Charity...

    ReplyDelete
  6. TOM H SAID:

    "Wow...you guys nailed it. Catholics suck...we rock. Pillars of Christian Charity..."

    We try to be at least as charitable as the Inquisition.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Steve,

    Or Salem Witch Trials by the Reformed, or burning Servetus by the Reformed or Luther's "final solution" for Jews.

    Buddy, this kind of name calling serves no one any good...because no one is innocent. If you'd like to object to the teaching(s) of any Christian group it's your right and duty. Done with clarity and charity.

    However, simple name calling and "don't they suck, we're awesome" does not lead anyone to Christ. That kind of behavior among Christians is a scandal to the Cross....if Catholics do it, Protestants do it etc.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Or Salem Witch Trials by the Reformed, or burning Servetus by the Reformed or Luther's "final solution" for Jews.

    Let's say for the sake of argument we concede this as being factually accurate.

    The Salem Witch Trials resulted in the deaths of 25-30 individuals. Many of those that oversaw these proceedings, in the end, repented. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts (Gov. Dudley) paid reparations to the survivors and the families of those killed.

    We'll add another death for Severtus.

    We're up to approximately 31 individuals. Now let's weigh this against the Inquisition.

    For how long did the Inqusitions, yes there was more than one, last?
    How many were falsely accused? How many were tried? Were jailed? Were put to death? When did the individuals involved repent? How much did the RCC pay out in reparations to the survivors of the families of those jailed or put to death?

    For an added bonus, when can we expect the RCC to return or give up those lands or funds that it derived from the False Decretals or the Donation of Constantine?

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  9. EA,

    First it's funny that there seems to be an assumption that I'm Catholic here. But anyhoo...

    This will be my last post on this topic because I neither wish to lose my charity on the topic nor cause someone else to lose their's.

    However, you can't begin a numbers game with such things. Protestants killed thousands of Catholics during the reformation and then Catholics did the same in return. Elizabeth and her successors went on a bloody English crusade against anyone who resisted forced conversion to Protestantism then Cromwell killed those Anglicans when the Reformed camp took over...then the Anglicans killed and got revenge on the Reformed when Cromwell was out so that the Reformed had to flee (ie Puritans landing on Plymouth Rock). And then Catholics under bloody Mary had the same sad time of killing Protestants in the time before that.

    The Inquision(s) went on for 350 years and killed between 3 and 5 thousand as the newest, scholarly estimates tell. Far fewer than the fanatical unsubstantiated Protestant claims of the Reformation propaganda....but far more than we would have liked, Lord knows.

    My point is that simply because any group, Catholic or Protestant has had sinners in its ranks (sometimes from bottom to top) it does not justify our right here, right now demonstration of contempt for individuals of those churches. You and I are not guilty of the spiritual inheritance to Luther's ravenous antisemitism any more than modern day Catholics (including it's leadership) are guilty of past sins within that Church.

    As far as apologies, Pope John Paul II made documented and public apologies to the world for the Catholic Church's blindness in history for any sins it committed...Inquisitions etc.

    On return property and making amends...that's simply not realistic. As soon as all the North German Lutheran return to the Catholics all the churches they stole form them, then the Anglicans return Westminster Abbey and all the mediveal churches, lands and abbeys they stole to the Catholics, maybe we can ask the Catholics to pony up as well. For that matter, while we're at it. Let's force the Muslims to return the great Cathedral of Hagia Sophia in Istambul... I just don't think any group with timber in their eye can ask another to remove theirs.

    I just can't get around the "well they sucked so we can be rotten to them" mentality.

    Peace (sincerely)

    Tom

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  10. Tom H,

    Maybe this Orthodox is wrong, but I read the post as being a pun on epistemology and not about the sin(s) of said bodies. I we reading the same post.

    Photios

    ReplyDelete
  11. ENERGETICPROCESSION SAID:
    Tom H,

    Maybe this Orthodox is wrong, but I read the post as being a pun on epistemology and not about the sin(s) of said bodies. I we reading the same post.

    Photios

    *******************************************

    Correct!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Maybe I wasn't clear. Apologies. I didn't have an issue with the post. I had an issue with the de-evolution of comments that followed it.

    Not wanting to call Steve out per se, but it's the following that starts to go wrong: Try reciting a Novena to St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes. Perhaps the BVM can make a stopover during her next apparition and point you in the right direction." and then the follow-up slam on the inquisition etc.

    I follow several Orthodox, Catholic and Protestant Blogs. I don't understand why within two commenters we have to jump right to overt ridicule.

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  13. "I follow several Orthodox, Catholic and Protestant Blogs. I don't understand why within two commenters we have to jump right to overt ridicule."

    Most of the Triabloguers and commenters here are historic Protestants. That means that we consider prayers to the saints and veneration of apparitions in pizzas (which even many Catholics admit is a bit absurd) to be idolatry and should be mocked just as the Bible mocked it. If you have a problem with that then we have a disagreement over fact (i.e. whether or not it is idolatry) not over ethical standards.

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  14. Thanks, S&S. You just reminded me of why I made the statement I'd post no more....and to that I shall stick. I'm also a committed Bible believing Christian. I guess we differ on our interpretation of the Bible.

    P.S. You produce a single verse, a single verse that has God's people "mocking" anyone. Don't bother answering. I'm going to jump off this blog for some time so won't pick up your attempt.

    ReplyDelete

  15. P.S. You produce a single verse, a single verse that has God's people "mocking" anyone. Don't bother answering. I'm going to jump off this blog for some time so won't pick up your attempt.


    Yes, actually, there are several. You may want to look up "taunt songs" sometime. They're called that for a reason. Even in the history books, the prophet Elijah mocked Baal and its priests. You may want to read that narrative to.

    I guess you and I don't just interpret the Bible differently, we read different Bibles.

    ReplyDelete
  16. On return property and making amends...that's simply not realistic. As soon as all the North German Lutheran return to the Catholics all the churches they stole form them, then the Anglicans return Westminster Abbey and all the mediveal churches, lands and abbeys they stole to the Catholics, maybe we can ask the Catholics to pony up as well. For that matter, while we're at it. Let's force the Muslims to return the great Cathedral of Hagia Sophia in Istambul... I just don't think any group with timber in their eye can ask another to remove theirs.

    An interesting proposal; BEFORE the Catholics should be asked to return what they took from others, someone else has to go first. Hmmm, considering the RCC's claims of a superior ecclesiology (the One True Church, etc...) and considering that "someone has to go first", this is a golden opportunity for the RCC to DEMONSTRATE that those claims have an objectively observable component - that those claims manifest themselves in outward actions. Further, your assertion that the Anglicans and Lutherans stole from the RCC hardly demonstrates that the RCC is entitled to those churches - typically the church buildings in question were built with resources and funding from the local inhabitants, the same of course cannot be said of St. Peter's and the rest of the Vatican, though I do appreciate your "indulgence" on this topic.

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  17. Tom H,

    I never said to mock people but rather their false and evil beliefs. [Although, there is a place for mocking certain people such as false teachers. Jesus did this with the Pharisees. Paul did it with the "Super-Apostles" at Corinth.]

    I'm afraid that you've been too influenced by post-modernism.

    ReplyDelete
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