In sifting through the unpublished papers of his mentor, the late Bruce Metzger, Gordon Fee has stumbled across some oral traditions, handed down by Jesus to the apostles, the Apostles to the pope, and one pope to another.
In a handwritten note, Metzger explains that this material was smuggled out of St. Catherine’s monastery, after bribing the librarian with a 1st edition of the Gutenberg Bible.
Metzger, envious and resentful of the greater fame of his uppity student, Bart Ehrman, was planning to publish a bombshell book which would outsell Ehrman’s sensational titles. But Metzger died before he was able to carry his plan to fruition.
Among other things, Fee has already uncovered the following items of note:
1) A papyrus copy of a medical report by St. Anne’s gynecologist, addressed to St. Joachim, in which he certifies the Immaculate Conception of their famous daughter.
2) A papyrus sale’s receipt for the chastity belt which Mary took with her on her honeymoon with Joseph.
3) A fragmentary scroll containing part of the longer ending of Romans (hitherto unknown), in which St. Paul salutes the Holy Father with the following greeting: “Your Holiness, Pope Peter, Prince of the Apostles, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Pontifex Maximus, Servus Servorum Dei, Primate of Italy, and Sovereign of Vatican City...”
4) The diary of Ascletario, court astrologer to Domitian, in which he records a sighting of Mary’s Assumption into heaven.
There is also a crumpled scroll of Hebrews, along with a papyrus note by Apollos to St. Linus, which reads as follows:
A few months ago I wrote penned a letter to a Jewish house-church in Rome, in which I presumptuously took it upon myself to intervene in a grave doctrinal crisis. No sooner had the ink dried on verse 13:25 than it occurred to me that this matter fell directly under your own jurisdiction. So I immediately threw the letter away, and never gave it another thought.
Recently, however, disturbing rumors came to my attention that this letter was circulating in various churches throughout the Empire. After closely questioning my staff, I discovered that one of my slaveboys had fished my letter out of the trashcan and shared it with his friends, who shared it with their friends.
I implore you to grant me a plenary indulgence for my negligence and impertinence. Hopefully, my epistle to the Hebrews will be quickly forgotten.
Your humble servant,