What Would Kristol Do?

President Hints at Greenspan Replacement
by Scott Ott

(2005-10-07) -- In the midst of a Republican firestorm over his so-called 'stealth' appointment of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, President George Bush today would only hint at who he has in mind to replace Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who will retire January 31, after 18 years steering the nation's monetary policy.

"I can't give you a name," Mr. Bush told the White House press corps, "but let me just say that I've known her personally for more than 20 years, and have first-hand knowledge of her philosophy on fiscal policy. I've actually watched her balance a checkbook at the kitchen table. She'll make a swell Fed chairman."

Mr. Bush said the as-yet-unnamed nominee "has a charming personality, a smile that lights up the room, and I can trust her like I trust my own wife."

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Bush Failed to Ask 'What Would Kristol Do?'
by Scott Ott

(2005-10-07) -- President George Bush today acknowledged that before appointing Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court he failed to ask himself the question that he habitually applies to such decisions: 'What would Kristol do?'

William Kristol, the neo-conservative editor of The Weekly Standard, has led the Republican outcry against a nominee who, conservatives fear, secretly favors abortion kiosks in shopping malls, and who may view the Constitution as metaphorical poetry.

The president, who wears a WWKD reminder bracelet, said, "I guess I got caught up in the moment, and tempted by the allure of appointing a justice who actually speaks in language I can understand."

Upon hearing of the president's remark today, Mr. Kristol said, "Acknowledging your sin is only half of repentance, but I stand ready to graciously forgive if the president will turn and follow me."

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After Miers, Bush Promises Big Fight with Dems
by Scott Ott

(2005-10-04) -- President George Bush, in an effort to calm the Republican party's conservative base after his appointment of the relatively-unknown Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, today promised that he would "make things right by picking a fight" with Congressional Democrats in early 2006.

"I know my fellow right-wingers were hoping for a big ideological brawl over this nomination," said Mr. Bush in a letter to supporters. "I guess for some of us, this feels like winning a baseball game by forfeit when the other team doesn't show up. You still get the win, but it doesn't get your blood going."

The president assured conservatives that he has ordered White House staff to "identify an issue where it's more important to stage a public fight with Democrats than to accomplish our strategic goals."

"When we find that issue," Mr. Bush told the party faithful, "I'll just walk up to Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and spit in his eye."

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Bush Fails to Pick Stranger for Supreme Court
by Scott Ott

(2005-10-03) -- A clearly disappointed President George Bush this morning announced that he had failed to locate a total stranger to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, and was forced to settle for someone he knows and trusts.

In a news conference to nominate White House Counsel Harriet Miers, 60, as an associate justice on the high court, Mr. Bush admitted, "I don't get out much, and I don't personally know very many total strangers. So, I had to settle for someone whose views, personality, intellectual abilities and work habits were familiar to me. I hope the American people will eventually find it in their hearts to forgive me."

As news broke of this new setback for the Bush White House, the president's popularity rating plunged into the single digits and despondent Republican lawmakers wondered if their party could manage to "keep the doors open and the lights on" until the 2006 mid-term elections.

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