Thursday, July 26, 2012

Called to Kitsch


Called to Kitsch
Schlock meets Schmaltz

Bella Swan’s Conversion Story

In this exclusive interview, TMZ reporter Bryan Cross talks to Bella Swan about her conversion to the One.

Bryan: Bella, can you briefly recount your conversion to the One?

Bella: I used to be hopelessly in love with Edward Cullen. He was the One True Boyfriend for me.

Bryan: What changed?

Bella: Well, for one thing, there’s the age differential. When you date a dude who came of age way back in the 1920s, that’s just so yesterday. I mean, who wants to hear about Calvin Coolidge over a candlelit dinner?

Bryan: What else?

Bella: It’s hard to commune with a corpse. Edward is dashing at a distance, but when he puts his cold clammy arms around you and tries to kiss you with his thin leathery cadaverous lips, it’s a major turn-off.

Bryan: Is that what drew you to Jake?

Bella: Lycan boys have that raw animal passion that schoolgirls yearn for. And I could spend hours just gazing into his glowing red eyes, or watching him pose in the rain with his awesome abs. It’s what every adolescent girl dreams of.

Bryan: Isn’t there the risk that he’d rip your throat out in the heat of the moment?

Bella: But it’s so romantic, don’t you think?

Bryan: So that’s when you knew you made the journey home?

Bella: When I beheld his long white fangs, I knew that I’d entered into the fullness of tooth.

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