Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The idolatry of Mac

After John MacArthur was convicted in absentia of crypto-Popery, he had to go on the lam to escape the Puritan death squads. For months leading up to his conviction, the internet was rife with rumors that TMS students were taught behind closed doors to burn votive candles to the Black Madonna of Czestochowa.

His conviction was overturned by the Nine Circuit Court in San Francisco on the grounds that every third person in Haight-Ashbury was stoned at one time or another. However, the Puritan death squads refused to acknowledge the court’s jurisdiction. They had spies planted at LAX to catch him if he attempted to flee the country. MacArthur barely escaped in hail of rocks. Fortunately for him, his inveterate bodyguard, Fred Butler, subdued the death squads with the jawbone of an ass.

Using a fake passport, PhotoShopped by Dan Phillips, MacArthur fled to Cuba, since it had no extradition treaty with the U.S. There he continued a ham radio ministry from his seaside cabaña.

However, Puritan death squads landed in the Bay of Pigs under cover of darkness, to mete out rough justice. But they were repelled by Frank Turk, unleashing his pyrokinetic powers.

MacArthur continued to publish books. He’d deliver his manuscript in unmarked manila envelops to a courier named Raoul, who flew it by private jet to Phil Johnson.

For his part, Jabba the Hubner did a sensational series tracing the history of Dispensationalism through the Free Masons and the Knights Templar all the way back to Jannes and Jambres.  Jabba also uncovered some truly fascinating correlations between Zionism and the Bermuda Triangle. 


  1. I was wondering why Butler was seemingly in need of a haircut. It all makes sense now.

  2. They were not the first, nor will they be the last, to be repelled by Frank Turk.

  3. You should have seen Sproul unload the blunderbuss into the first pair of Arminian bounty hunters trying to scale the walls. They'd been hired to kidnap Mac to bring him back for trial, but between Sproul's scattergun skills and Mohler's deft rapier work, they didn't stand a chance.

  4. Very amusing. Two thumbs up. :-)

  5. I thought it was Phil Johnson who was in charge of Photoshop.

  6. This works quite well as either a satire on American Evangelical Christianity or Islam.

    Well done!