Monday, November 19, 2012


As culturally astute observers have already noted, the end of Hostess marks the fateful prelude to the zombie apocalypse (a la Zombieland). So we need to take precautionary measures. Time is running out.

My recommendation is mandatory mass conversion to Judaism. Jewish zombies won’t eat you alive. It’s not kosher. At a minimum, you need to be exsanguinated before you find yourself on the dinner menu. And since zombies don’t rate very high on the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale, it’s unlikely that they’d be smart enough to practice shechita.

As a fringe benefit, this precautionary measure is equally applicable to Jewish vampires, in case vampires take over the world (a la Daybreakers).

If both zombies and vampires try to take over the world, the rest of us can retreat into our Idaho bunkers and wait until the coast is clear.

Admittedly, Reform Jewish zombies might have no compunction about taking a bite out of you. You can only count on Hasidic zombies and Hasidic vampires to honor the kosher code. So the mandate must favor Hasidism.


  1. There are negotiations which may render this analysis moot:

    Judge Robert Drain asked both sides to join him Tuesday for a mediation session where he will try to broker a new contract. If Tuesday's long-shot session fails, then the company will be able to return to court Wednesday to try to move ahead with its plans to close down.

    A settlement here could mean that the coming zombie apocalypse is not imminent.