Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Reformed Dog Matics

But if animals can be saved, can they also be lost? If you are a Calvinist, does animal reprobation become a possibility.

posted by Victor Reppert @ 1:20 PM

At February 01, 2010 2:02 PM , steve said...

Needless to say, the answer varies depending on whether you ask a supralapsarian, sublapsarian, or infralapsarian Calvinist.

But, as a rule, Arminian dogs are predestined to hell whereas all Calvinist dogs are predestined to heaven.

As for the fate of Lutheran dogs, I'll have to ask Gabriel the next time he drops in.

But as a rule of thumb, if a dog scores 3 out of 5 on TULIP, he's probably heavenbound–although the secret decree, being oh-so secretive–it's hard to say in advance.

At February 01, 2010 2:11 PM , steve said...

For a thorough treatment of this question, consult Spuds MacKenzie's Reformed Dog Matics.

At February 03, 2010 8:03 AM , steve said...

Victor Reppert said...

"Don't all dogs accept the Doctrines Of Grace?"

As a rule, dog-matic affiliation breaks down along the following lines:

Afghan – Muslim
Bluetick Coonhound – Southern Baptist
Borzoi – Russian Orthodox
Boston Terrier – Catholic
Canaan Dog – Hassidic
Carpathian Shepherd Dog – Goth
Chihuahua – Catholic
Chow Chow – Buddhist
Dachshund – Lutheran
Doberman – National Socialist
Dorset Olde Tyme Bulldogge – Methodist
Great Dane – Lutheran
Irish Setter – Catholic
Kai Ken – Shinto
Karakachan – Bulgarian Orthodox
Löwchen – Catholic
Neapolitan Mastiff – Catholic
Poodle – Existentialist
Rampur Hound – Hindu
Skye Terrier – Presbyterian
St. Bernard Dog – Calvinist
Sussex Spaniel – Anglican
Welsh Terrier – Calvinist-Methodist
Wetterhoun – Calvinist


  1. So would English Springer spaniels be Anglicans? The Stott-reading sort would be fine ... the Spong-reading spaniel is in trouble.

  2. According to my sources, English Springer spaniels incline to Anglo-Catholicism.

  3. "Doberman – National Socialist"

    And how about the Rottweiler?

    Pit bulls-Westboro Baptist Church

  4. So, what about the Crow, the Blackfeet, the Flathead, the Duckwater, the Kickapoo and the turtledoves?

    Ooops, sorry, the turtledoves are another issue in play!

    But, like I said, You know what?

    You guys can just keep your glorified fleas then!


    "And how about the Rottweiler?"

    Rottweiler – militant atheist (e.g. Hitchens, Dawkins, Loftus).

  6. steve said...

    Anonymous said...

    "What about my German shorthaired pointer/Labrador mix?"

    That's a theologically unstable hybrid. High percentage of canine apostates in that category.

  7. What about my late lamented beagle?

  8. They also have delusions of grandeur about being world war 1 ace pilots who nevertheless keep getting shot down by the Red Baron.

    Staffordshire terriers (pitbulls by their formal name) don't seem particularly Baptist to me for some reason. The two I know would probably be Eastern Orthodox by default. :)

  9. "Staffordshire terriers (pitbulls by their formal name)...don't seem particularly Baptist to me for some reason."-Hatchet

    This particular Baptist church is particularly pitbullish.