Declaring War on "Jesus Symbols"

FALSE HOPE, NY – Rob Meblin, an employee of False Hope Pre-Junior High School, was accused Wednesday of advancing religious views on public grounds when school officials found a mural displaying a cross on one wall of his classroom. In a brief filed by ACLU lawyers, Meblin was accused of “grossly forwarding dangerous religious views held by Jesus-followers” while “ignoring views expressed by non-believers.”

Principal Hans Ingloff said, “We run a public school. Learning is our goal, and we will learn if Mr. Meblin is a religious illiberal as soon as possible.”

ACLU’s brief was filed on behalf of an anonymous pupil of Mr. Meblin, whose guardians discovered similar religious murals in several classrooms besides Mr. Meblin’s. However, a year ago federal judges ruled briefs are only applicable for personal pedagogues of individual pupils.

Meblin claims his mural was belied by “unknowledgeable fools.”

“I used no religious symbols in my mural,” he claimed. “I merely gave a roll of symbols comprising our common English language. Now I am being crucified because one symbol I had no choice in and never desired anyway is in a similar form as Jesus’ crucifix! How am I blamed for such nonsense? If I had been in charge, Jesus would have been crucified on a Q. No one uses a Q anymore anyway! Besides, speaking is much harder if one is circumscribed from using a ‘Jesus symbol!’”

ACLU lawyer Nora Moreezan responded: “Mr. Meblin’s claims are obviously overblown. Our brief was legible and used his religious symbol in precisely zero cases! Americans need Meblin’s ‘symbol’ like we need cancer, guns, or religious freedom. We say, ‘No longer cave under pressure from wacky religious leaders. We declare war on all ‘Jesus symbols!’”

In response, False Hope Press Scribes were precluded from using a “Jesus symbol” as well, including here. We very much concur: “Jesus symbols” are unnecessary in English. And, as all pro-religious biases should be removed whenever possible, we will do so!