Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Pixie Chicks

CAPT. HOOK: I thought it might be a good idea to open up a discussion on this topic. The most vituperate and rabid anti-Tinkerbelletrist bigots we apologists have to deal with are theocentrists. Instead of being targets for their attacks, why don't we raise our objections to their system? The best defense is an offense.

JONATHAN TOOTLES: The theocentric theory of the will is nothing other than Nestorian-type monothelitism, which stretches back from the hypersuperousianity of St. Minimus the Transgressor, through the hyposupraousianity of Hilarius the Short, as well as the hypersupraousianity of St. Phosphorus the Stalagmite, to the hyposuperousianity of Simon Magus.

It was only with the transhypersubüberousianity of the Angelic Doctor that fairyology managed to steer safe passage between the Scylla of superüberousianity and the Charybdis of übersuperousianity.

TIMOROUS: Thanks, Jonathan. I’d say that clears up any possible source of confusion.

CAPT. HOOK: How dare you dirty our great and glorious forum at Planet Envoy with your Protty paws! Why, you’re not even a real Prot. You’re just a Protty little half-breed.

Omnes semper - ad Fairylandus, per Tinkerbella, cum Petro Pan!

TIMOROUS: You don’t know what I went through just to get here, Skipper. For years and years I was imprisoned in Castle Uff-da, where Eric the Viking kept me captive in his dungeon. He beat me five times a day with a broomstick, fed me cold gruel, and bombarded me with Gnostic moonbeams from his Exegete-O-Matic machine. I only averted permanent brain damage by wearing a tinfoil cap in my sleep.

Then, late one night, Tinkerbell appeared to me in a dream. She showed me the long Lost Epistle of the Devil to Leviathan, written on golden tablets. And she gave me a pair of golden spectacles to translate the hieroglyphics.

There I discovered the true gospel, the tree of knowledge, and the key of wisdom in the revelation of Medieval Conciliarism.

Many months later, when Igor left the dungeon door ajar, I made my escape.

I booked passage on the H. M. S. d'Ailly, to cross the treacherous Sea of Aomin. But as we neared the other shore, a great White whale submerged our ship.

He was no ordinary whale, I’ll have ye know. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event—in the living act, the undoubted deed—there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the moldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. I see in him outrageous strength, with an inscrutable malice sinewing it. That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate—be the White whale an agent or the principal.

Then White whale swam before me as the monomaniac incarnation of all those malicious agencies which some deep men feel eating in them, till they are left living on with half a heart and half a lung. All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, where visibly personified, and made practically assailable in the White whale.

PATTI: Thanks goodness that’s behind you!

TIMOROUS: But it’s never behind me. He tasks me. He heaps me. He haunts me in my sleep.

I'll chase him round Good Hope, and round the Horn, and round the Norway Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up!

NOSEDIVER: Why believe in the Bible when you can believe in the Fairy Godmother? Resisting the Fairy Godmother results in Hell!

Mere talk is disingenuous. Satan only talked to Eve—Eve didn't fight!

That’s where Eve went wrong. She didn’t put up a fight!

If only she’d been a butt-kickin’, kick-boxin’ superheroine like Buffy, Bat Girl, Vampirella, Dark Angel, or Spider Woman (sorry, but Xena’s not my type!)—why, we’d still be in Paradise!

CAPTAIN HOOK: I stand WITH the Fairy-Queen and all my objections to theocentrism come FROM the Fairy-Queen. I am not giving you my personal opinions. I am repeating to you what the Tinker Bell has revealed to the Fairylanders and what she has taught in a solemn way. The so-called "reformation" has been judged, found wanting, and condemned. These Tinkerbelletrist teachings are formally infallible and not open to modification. You are not just disagreeing with me, Timorous. You are disagreeing with Tinkerbell!

Consequently when you all get together to "play church," it is all make believe.

Omnes semper - ad Fairylandus, per Tinkerbella, cum Petro Pan!

PATTI: Now, now, Skipper. Can’t you see the poor boy is all tuckered out by his long ordeal? Can’t we at least bring him a tray of peanut butter cookies and a glass of warm milks?

CAPTAIN HOOK Believe me, I have treated the lad with kid-gloves.

When I say that all Prot-talk is fairyological Pelagianism, I am saying that they all sit in judgment on Tinker Bell and find Her wanting in Her superintendence of Fairyland.

They’re a bunch of scrofulous heretics. Their view of salvation is erroneous. They deny purgatory. They deny the sacramental character of the fairy-bath, fairy-mushroom, and fairyhood. They deny the Tinkerbelletrist canon. They deny transfairydom. They deny the infallibility of the Fairy Godmother. They deny that Tinkerbell is the Mediatrix of All Pixie-dust. And there are several fairyological problems along with many other things.

Omnes semper - ad Fairylandus, per Tinkerbella, cum Petro Pan!

NOSEDIVER: So how many Prots are merely INVINVIBLY IGNORANT separated bretheren and how many of them are material heretics? Does a Prot have to be one or the other?

Doubtless a lot are INVINVIBLY IGNORANT separated bretheren. Which is almost as bad as INVINVIDIBILY IGNORANT separated bretheretheren.

But who cares? Saying that a person should in some extreme hypothetical should disobey does not mean that therfore authority doesn't reside on planet Eath with the Vicar of Tinkerbell and that therefore the whole fairyhood has no authority.

That's a crock! People who advocate DISOBEDIENCE to the Fairy Godmother are of SATAN! Snagged by the lubricious tentacles of the Archfiend!


So when you Prots get together to "play church," it is all make believe.

What I’ve told you is all non-negotiable, Tinkerbelletrist DOGMA. As it says in the Acts of Queen Mab, “Tu es Petrus Pan, et super hanc petram aedificabo fairylandam meam.”

Anyone who attacks this principle is an enemy of the Fairy Godmother. (Please Patti do NOT delete this last sentence. It is critical that my fellow fairy godchildren understand who and what Mr. Timorous really is. He says he is not "the enemy," then he attacks the very Authority on which the fairy faith is based.

In other words, he’s accusing me of what it is that HE is trying to do. Carl Jung called it 'projecting the shadow.' That is, trying to project his own inner dark schemes onto other people.

Since Timorous has nothing intelligent to contribute to a conversation between grown-ups on matters of religion, I will ignore him and say what I please about the false religions that have come from the apostasies of the 16th Century.

If he decides to come and talk with us grown-ups, please have something to say that is honest and worth bothering about.

Omnes semper - ad Fairylandus, per Tinkerbella, cum Petro Pan!

TIMOROUS: You're just not listening. To you, seemingly, I am an Enemy to be destroyed, no more. Perhaps from time to time you will be polite as you lob the tactical nukes my way, but you will still lob them and enjoy your victory. I will not be part of that sort of fratricidal foolishness. "Bullfeathers" indeed.

NOSEDIVER: Satan! Yes, I said SATAN!

Wrap it up in as pretty a package as you want to—be as "CORDIAL" and "CHARITABLE" sounding as Satan was when Satan temtped Eve to disobey God—it's just the same old song and dance that's been going on since the beginning of time!

Even before the Sedevacanapeterpantist Schism, when the Fifth Council of Wee Willie Winkie deposed the Anti-anti-anti-anti-Peter Pan; or before the Fourth Council of Wee Willie Winkie, which deposed the Anti-anti-anti-Peter Pan; or before the Third Council of Wee Willie Winkie, which deposed the Anti-anti-Peter Pan; or before the Second Council of Wee Willie Winkie, which deposed the Anti-Pan; or before the First Council of Wee Willie Winkie, which elected Pope Puck I, authentic successor to Peter Pan.

While we're at it let's get another thing straight—HERESY against the authority of the Fairy Godmother IS SATANIC!

Yep, you heard me right. SATANTIC! As in SATANICAL SATANITY. Not to mention SATANISTIC SATANRY. Much less SATANIC SATANISM.

When I served in the Navy, under Capt. Hook’s command, I was told that it was lawful to disobey an illegal order. I was also told that if I had to THINK about obeying or disobeying to OBEY because my leaders who had my country's best interest at heart also had my best interests at heart and would not fail me.

Now if that is true about the civilian military, how much MORE TRUE is it about our Fairy Godmother?

PATTI: Well, folks, that wraps up another day at Planet Envoy.



    One of the best parodies in a while :-)

    (It will be amusing to read the little atheist anonywusses who won't get it. I don't think the RCs will have a problem catching it though....)

  2. I second calvindude's comment!

    Brilliant stuff Steve!


  3. SPIT SPOT!!!


    WHOO HOO!!!

    Atheist scum will NEVER be able to understand the subtle wit and nickel-like intelligence you wield with your clackety keyboard, Steve.


  4. Just wonderful!
    I had a great morning because of this.