Eat vegans

Veganism is a popular radical chic fad among animal rights activists. I propose a compromise between meat-eaters and animal rights activists: instead of consuming nonhuman animals, let’s eat vegans. There are many medical, political, and environmental benefits to a vegan diet.

i) It enables meat-eaters to co-opt the vegan message. This way, both meat-eaters and animals rights activists can support a vegan diet: we just mean slightly different things by a vegan diet. By a “vegan diet,” animal rights activists mean a vegetarian menu, whereas meat-eaters mean putting vegans on the menu.

ii) Eating vegans is a form of population control–which reduces our carbon footprint. Every time you buy vegan meat at the supermarket, you’re credited with a carbon offset.

iii) Eating vegans spares the innocent lives of countless sentient nonhuman animals. Instead of having a standard meat & seafood department, supermarkets can have a vegan department or deli, with display cases containing delicious body parts, like pickled eyeballs or deep-fried fingers–lending new meaning to “finger food.”

iv) Vegans are generally lean young college-age students like Steven Nemes. Because vegans are so young, they don’t require artificial tenderizers in food preparation. Vegan veal, as if were. And their low body fat ratio is a boost to good cholesterol.

v) Eating vegans cuts down on the proliferation of obnoxious moralizers and food Nazis in our society.

 

vi) Apropos (v), vegans are generally Nanny statists. By eating vegans, we promote civil liberty and limited gov’t.

vii) Because many nonhuman animals are cannibalistic, the consumption of vegans promotes a transspecies ethic, transcending the androcentric bias of conventional ethics. Expanding filial cannibalism is the next frontier in social justice.

vii) Eating vegans capitalizes on the zombie craze and the vampire fad in the pop culture. Think of Zombie McDonald instead of Ronald McDonald. We can add Vegan McBites and Vegan McNuggets to the Happy Menu.

viii) Consuming vegans is a test of vegan sincerity. As it says in the Gospel According to St. Singer, “Greater love hath no animal activist than to lay down their life for nonhuman animals.”