Thursday, February 09, 2012

Life's a beach

Los Angeles County has approved a hefty fine for throwing footballs and frisbees on local beaches.

LA County's move has caused a domino effect throughout the Southland. Neighboring Ventura County has started to issue warrants for the arrest of little kids who knock over their siblings' sand castles. What's more, young adults who douse their friends with buckets of water, particularly if their friends are females peacefully dozing off while sunbathing, or otherwise engage in boyish, juvenile pranks deemed by their female peers more fit for a frat house than a beach could face up to ten years of rehabilitation to bring down their testosterone to more socially acceptable levels.

Not to be outdone, Orange County has in turn outlawed pretty girls in bikinis since the ensuing distraction might cause motor vehicle accidents. The consequence for offenders is life imprisonment, whereas the consequence for male oglers is life imprisonment without the possibility of parole. In other news, sales of darkly tinted sunglasses for men has reached an epic peak since the ban.

San Diego County has decreed Taliban-approved beachwear compulsory for all beachgoers:

Suffice it to say those who transgress the new law by refusing to wear the approved beachwear would be served with a light punishment if they only received the death penalty, which would be the minimum punitive measure mandated by the county's courts.

On the other hand, SoCal counties have jointly sanctioned the following: picnics; romantic walks along the beach; Rebecca Black's hit song "Friday" permanently set on repeat; shirtless muscled men with long wavy Fabio hair galloping their beautiful white unicorns steeds on the surf in slow motion as they move to literally sweep women off their feet and mount them onto the saddle in a single seamless maneuver which will likewise take her breath away; and excessive giggling. In fact, excessive giggling is rewarded with a free massage, spa, and facial treatment.

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