Friday, August 15, 2008

Anti-Catholics, &c.

Dave Armstrong suffers from OCD on the subject of “anti-Catholics.” Since he’s so fixated on this subject, I think the least we could do is to improve on his simplistic classification scheme. If he’s going to assign various people to religious pigeonholes, I’d suggest he employ a more nuanced taxonomy. For example:

Catholic, anybody Dave agrees with.
Anti-Catholic, 1. anybody Dave disagrees with. 2. anybody who hurts Dave’s feelings. 3. anybody Dave is afraid to debate.
Anti-Anti-Catholic, somebody more Catholic than the pope. Usually an evangelical convert to Rome (e.g. Dave Armstrong). Double negation for emphasis.
Anti-Anti-Anti-Catholic, a Reformed blogger. Triple negation for emphasis.
Ante-Catholic, a Traditionalist Catholic (e.g. Archbishop Lefebvre).
Ante-Ante-Catholic, a Sedevacantist (e.g. Gerry Matatics).
Ante-Ante-Ante-Catholic, a Conclavist (e.g. Pope Michael I).
Lapsed Catholic, 1. a Catholic who’s ceased to practice the faith. 2. a Catholic who slips and falls on holy water (e.g. Francis Cardinal George).
Anti-Ante-Lapsed Catholic, an evangelical who became a Sedevacantist who became a Byzantine who became an Eastern rite Catholic (e.g. Jay Dyer).
Anti-Broccolist, a Broccoli bigot. Somebody who suffers from a gustatory animus towards Brassica oleracea botrytis. Usually associated with ex-presidents.
Cultural Catholic, a politician from Massachusetts. Usually a presidential candidate.
Cafeteria Catholic, 1. a Catholic who picks and chooses what to believe. 2. a Catholic gourmand (e.g. Pavarotti, Tetrazzini).
Good Catholic, anybody who buys a miracle hot tub from Dave.
Papist, a term employed to push Dave’s buttons.
Romanist, another term employed to push Dave’s buttons.


  1. Does Dave Armstrong like it when Protestants say they fully uphold and affirm the Nicene Creed in its entirety? Especially this part:

    "We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church."

  2. It's true that some Roman Catholics will point to some church fathers who refer to the "catholic" church and say "aha! see? they're CATHOLIC". But then all you have to do is refer to early church fathers who also say that they're orthodox and they (hopefully) get the idea.