Another open letter to Dave Armstrong

I'm dying to know if I must now be classed as an apostate because I wasn't an emotive, superficial, anti-intellectual ignoramus as an evangelical (first three words your own descriptions). Does this not prove deliberate rejection of Gospel Truth, as James White maintains?

In Him,

Dave Armstrong

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Well, Dave, I’m just dying to answer your question, but when I asked the Archangel Michael about your prospects last Saturday night over a glass of beer down at WallyGators, he swore me to silence, forewarning me that this was privileged information which he would only divulge on condition that I kept mum about your eternal perdition…uh…I mean…destiny. So you can’t expect me to burn my celestial sources. Otherwise I’d lose all my best contacts.

Moreover, to leak classified information about the secret decree would result in my demotion from the seventh sphere to the fourth. As a student of Dante, I’m sure you appreciate what’s at stake.

But I promise to put in a good word for you the next time I see Beatrice.