Pages

Friday, January 12, 2007

TR identity-theft

TO: The Politburo
FROM: The Grand Mufti
RE: "Will I Lose My TR Card Over This Post?"


Tonight, T-bloggers will convene an emergency meeting of the Politburo to revise the protocols under which we issue TR cards, in order to stem the rising tide of TR identity-theft.

Draft proposals:

1. Honorary TR cards.

Cardholder will be entitled to attend TR sponsored events (e.g., the biennial auto-da-fe) when accompanied by a duly authorized TR-chaperon.

2. TR cards with annual expiration dates, subject to annual renewal.

Applicant must recite (from memory) the Solemn League & Covenant while standing on one hand.

3. TR discount card.

Cardhold will be entitled to free admission to TR sponsored events after buying 10 copies of Hoeksema's Triple Knowledge, five copies of Knox's First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women, and 15 jumbo bags of Cheetos.

4. Frequent Fryer card.

Applicant will be issued Frequent Fryer card after he burning 5 Remonstrants at the stake. (In case Remonstrants are out of stock, substitute Molinists.)

5. TR debit card.

Cardholder will be entitled to charge all goods and services to the Treasury of Demerit.

6. Iconoclasticard.

Cardholder will be entitled to free admission to TR sponsored events after smashing 4 organs, 3 Rose windows, 2 Lady chapels, and 1 crucifix. Don't leave home without it.

7. Junior TR card.

Covenant children will be issued Junior TR card after casting their Barbie dolls, GI Joe action-figures, and other idolatrous, damnable, papistical fripperies, into the bonfire of the vanities.

N. B. Ann Coulter action-figure exempt.

10 comments:

  1. If our Grand Mufti is willing, I'd also like to suggest:

    8. TR passport.

    Cardholder will be entitled to leave the civic and ecclesiastical governance of the Genevan community if and only if traveling to Heidelberg and/or Dordt.

    9. TR entertainment card.

    Cardholder will be entitled to a front row view of his choice of one heretic burning or one witch dunking for each quill and parchment transcribed piece on the degenerative effects of C.S. Lewis' "theology" in The Chronicles of Narnia.

    If admitted to aforementioned heretic burning or witch dunking event, an unhappy scowl, the evil eye, and a glowering, grimaced countenance encouraged. And in fact rewarded with a broad-brimmed hat, belt with gold buckle, black boots, or, for the most disparaging countenances, a muzzle loaded musket.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I assume there will be design for supralapsarians and another for the infras. One will issued before they are created; the other must be, how shall we say, "antiqued," before issued.

    ReplyDelete
  3. GeneMBridges said:

    "I assume there will be design for supralapsarians and another for the infras. One will issued before they are created; the other must be, how shall we say, 'antiqued,' before issued."

    We'll draw that distinction when issuing supra and infra phone cards. Supra phone cards can only be used by the chosen frozen. Card-swipe technology has been uploaded with retinal scanning software to identify the sheep and screen out the goats.

    Hint: the goats have the mark of the Beast encoded in the rods and cones of the eyeball.

    The firewall is 99% effective in double-blind experiments on select test-subjects, although a few Lutherans were able to beat the system and sneak into heaven without a day-pass.

    By contrast, infra phone cards represent dual use technology, for they can also be used by the reprobate and unregenerate under emergency conditions due to a common grace rider,

    ReplyDelete
  4. Notice that Patrick Chan's current avatar now makes him look like he's in the federal witness protection program.

    Anyone with the name of "Chan" is now in the crosshairs.

    You know how that goes—witnesses to testify in silhouette, with their voice run through a Karaoke machine.

    That's for the witnesses who make it to court in one piece.

    Don Stephano Campi and his hitmen have driven poor Bro. Chan into hiding, and the Turkoman is soon to follow.

    At this rate we will need to hire Steve McQueen (Bullet) and Clint Eastwood (The Gauntlet) to get them safely to court to turn state's evidence against La Campsta Nostra.

    ReplyDelete
  5. How come being a TR becomes something really fun after I get bounced?

    ReplyDelete
  6. centuri0n said:
    "How come being a TR becomes something really fun after I get bounced?"

    That's the wrong way to look at it, Frank. If we get kicked out of one party, we can throw our own party.

    And the partygoers who got bounced from the TR were the most fun to be around anyway.

    I mean, you're the life of the party, as the saying goes.

    So consider this a winnowing process in which the TR-Exers get to rent their own ballroom and music band. You bring the punch, Gene will bring the punchbowl, I'll bring the beer, Patrick will hire a band, Evan will bring the girls, and we'll take it from there...

    Just make sure you hire a few bouncers of your own to guard the door so that La Campsta Nostra can't crash the party.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is hilarious! :-)

    Speaking of bouncers, I'm not sure if Manata's been blackballed from Camp TR yet, but even if not, it's only a matter of time. When it happens, he can just bring himself, and that should take care of security for the night.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "When there's nowhere else to run... is there room for one more son?"

    I saw there's some sort of party? Can a writer who's been in hot water lately over her writing technique join? I promise I'll watch my mouth and not spike the punch...

    ... well, not spike it too much.

    They took my card. *sniff*

    ReplyDelete
  9. "I saw there's some sort of party? Can a writer who's been in hot water lately over her writing technique join?"

    Only if you can create a comic book adventure involving Steve. For example, I'd like to see Scott Reilly come more into his own as the Shadow Fox. So perhaps the Steve-inspired character can be brought in as a tough and wise sensei who trains the Shadow Fox in the martial arts, and more importantly, doles out pearls of wisdom which shape and mold Scott Reilly into the superhero he was meant to be -- the Shadow Fox!

    Just kidding. ;-)

    Actually, speaking for myself, I'd say, the more the merrier!

    ReplyDelete
  10. The Green Man has access to the activities of the TRs. And he will decide upon whom vengeance falls.

    ReplyDelete