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Tuesday, November 05, 2019

Low self-esteem

I'm not a psychologist, so this post is based on my personal observations. Many men and women suffer from low self-esteem. In my experience, there are Christian circles where felt-needs are denigrated as "moralistic therapeutic deism". And no doubt there are televangelists (e.g. Robert Schuller, Joel Osteen) who retail in flattery, telling people what they want to hear. 

It is, however, a great mistake for churches, pastors, and lay Christins to belittle the problem of low self-esteem. Historically, Puritan pastors like Richard Baxter and Richard Sibbes who took the issue seriously, only it was called something else back then. 

Some people seem to have a naturally melancholic disposition. That can be aggravated by things like seasonal affective disorder. That shades into the whole area of depression, which overlaps with low self-esteem. 

It's my impression that people with low self-esteem generally had an unhappy childhood. They didn't get what they needed from their parents during their formative years. Likewise, they may have been shunned or bullied at school. Obesity can also contribute to low self-esteem. Or lack of athletic prowess in school. 

Low self-esteem can feed on itself. Those who suffer from low self-esteem tend to be socially withdrawn, which exacerbates low self-esteem, so it's a vicious cycle. It's hard for them to trust other people. They are shellshocked by years of rejection. 

Rejection and betrayal are a perennial risk in romance and friendship, but it's harder for those with low self-esteem to cope because they have no insulation. No psychological padding. Nothing in reserve. Rejection and betrayal will reinforce their preexisting self-doubt, self-loathing, nagging sense that they must have done something to deserve it. 

Since I'm not a psychologist, it's possible that I'm overgeneralizing or overlooking some factors. 

The alternative to low self-esteem isn't necessarily high self-esteem. It doesn't mean I should have a high opinion of myself. It just means not to be dogged by a sense of personal inadequacy and failure. 

Christianity doesn't promise complete emotional healing in this life. For people who were deeply wounded in childhood and adolescence, it may be a lifelong battle. But Christianity can make the pain manageable. Moreover, Christians who struggle with low self-esteem can be wounded healers whose vulnerability is a strength when reaching out to other depressed people. It gives them empathy and understanding. What makes a Christian saintly isn't their natural areas of strength but how they handle their weaknesses. 

Blaming oneself is the default setting for those who suffer from low self-esteem. So how can that be overcome? Since it's natural to fall back into self-doubt and self-blame, you need a regular reminder to offset that pernicious dynamic. I'd suggest that you search your memory for people who notice praiseworthy things in you that you don't notice in yourself. People can recognize good things in you that you don't see in yourself. Make a record of that. 

In addition, memorize a list of Bible verses like Rom 8:1 ("Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"), Heb 13:5 ("I will never leave you nor forsake you"), &c. Put those on your cellphone. 

Write yourself a letter (email) in which you include these things. Update it periodically. Automate the letter so that you receive it every two weeks (give or take). 

Have a collection of edifying hymns and songs to listen to regularly. Listen to that when you're driving or busing or walking. 

In addition, it's important for naturally upbeat Christians to encourage depressed Christians. They can absorb your positive energy. 

I'd add that there's an opposite danger. Some churchgoers try to live on the adrenal rush of an ersatz, bubblegummy praise-chorus piety that bears no resemblance to what many Christians must confront outside the sanctuary. The realism of the Psalms is a salutary corrective. 

In case you're wondering, I had a happy childhood, and I enjoyed school, so I don't suffer from low self-esteem. My struggles and regrets lie elsewhere. 

1 comment:

  1. I hate the term "self-esteem" as much as I hate the term "self-confidence". Maybe it's a good term, but something about the admonition to not think too highly of ourselves without a similar admonition to not think too low of ourselves makes me want to err on the side of thinking too low of myself.

    That said, low self-esteem is only a psychological problem if one also secretly has a higher self-esteem than those around him attribute to him. Such a one has low self-esteem in the sense of willingly filling the role others have assigned to him. This role is at odds with the belief that he has greater potential than he practically observes that he has. Perceived reality and self-awareness are at odds with one another. This can trigger clinical depression.

    This fleshes out like this: Both perceived reality and self-awareness feed into divergent systems of beliefs. Perceived reality seems to manifest itself as a more conscious state of awareness while self-awareness, despite the term, is a more subconscious state of awareness, meaning that one generally doesn't formulate it and apply it intellectually and intentionally.

    The solution most often presented is to assure the person verbally that they are worth more than they think they are as though to challenge the "false beliefs" that come from his perceived reality. This is incredibly difficult as real things happen to this person regularly to prove that he is generally worthless. Such verbal affirmations turn out to be no more than empty platitudes.

    Now, I'm not a trained professional, so take this with a grain of salt, but this is from my experience. It's far easier to heal the divergent belief systems by working with the self-awareness of someone who suffers from low self-esteem to accept the fact that he is generally worthless and validate his perception of reality. Only after that happens can he take his mind off of it. This lowers the weight of importance on those events that give rise to his perception. After that he will start to notice those exceptions where he is actually well-received and valued by others. Those exceptions will start to gain more weight and they can take a place of greater prominence slowly becoming less exceptional and more normative. Then, verbal affirmation can start to be perceived as genuine sentiment rather than empty platitudes. It's like psychological judo, where you don't try to muscle the mind into the place where you want it to be, but use its own inertia to move it where it should go.

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