Tickle apologists

Reuters

Hacktivists have leaked John Yoo's Tickle Memos. These memos document shocking new incidents of CIA interrogators torturing high-value terrorists. 

In one case, interrogators strapped Faisal Shahzad to a table and tickled his bare feet with a feather-duster until he disclosed a plot to bomb Times Square.

In another case, interrogators discovered that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had a fear of clowns. A CIA interrogator then dressed up as a clown, causing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to lose bladder control and divulge pending plots. 

Christian spokesmen immediately denounced these brassknuckle tactics. 

Brian Zahnd said "You cannot be Christian and support tickling. I want to be utterly explicit on this point. There is no possibility of compromise. The support of tickling is off the table for a Christian. Tickling is demonic and it leads to hell. These evangelicals have reached a crisis of decision."

Steven Wedgeworth said: "Tickling is an offense against the image of God. Donning a clown outfit debases and degrades the clownish interrogator along with the terrorist.  The ends never justify exploiting a terrorist's coulrophobia. The good news, though, is that Jesus died for tickle apologists."