Infernal espionage

Open theism has gained a number of notable adherents in recent years. I used to be a staunch opponent of open theism. However, a few months ago, when I was operating my ham radio, I accidentally intercepted some ancient radio transmissions from heaven. I didn’t realize until hearing these conversations from the throne room how hard it is for God to accomplish his will.

God the Father: Gabriel, there’s something a little off about my Son. Every time Joseph and Mary try taking him to synagogue, Jesus throws a temper tantrum. Go down and find out what when wrong.

Gabriel: Milord, I discovered the source of the problem. Turns out the midwife who delivered Jesus in Bethlehem was an operative from hell.

God the Father: You mean my Son was switched at birth?

Gabriel: That’s right, Milord.

God the Father: I didn’t see that coming.

Gabriel: Wouldn’t be the first time, Milord. 

God the Father: So where is my Son?

Gabriel: I have a dozen angels pursuing different leads. However, I’m afraid the trail may have gone cold my now. The dark side is good at covering its tracks. Several witnesses, including the midwife, died in mysterious “accidents.”

God the Father: Well, if you can’t find my Son, we may need to repeat the Incarnation.

Gabriel: That won’t be easy. During the Annunciation phase, three girls turned me down before Mary accepted our terms.

God the Father: Humans are so unpredictable!

God the Father: Gabriel, are you telling me you lost track of my Son again?

Gabriel: Sorry, Milord.

God the Father: What happened this time?

Gabriel: At the moment the details are still a bit sketchy, but apparently Good Friday was a ruse de guerre, orchestrated by Hell.

God the Father: What do you mean?

Gabriel: Turns out the Praetorium was a dummy military installation. Pilate is an operative from Hell.

God the Father: To what end?

Gabriel: Well, once they had your Son in custody, they swapped him out for a double.

God the Father: Are you suggesting the wrong guy died on the cross?

Gabriel: Looks that way.

God the Father: I didn’t see that coming.

Gabriel: Wouldn’t be the first time, Milord.

God the Father: Who else was party to the caper?

Gabriel: They managed to turn Judas by snaring him in a honey trap with a succubus, then blackmailing him by threatening to tell his wife that he was caught in flagrante delicto in a compromising position.

God the Father: Are you suggesting Hell pulled the wool over my eyes?

Gabriel: They do have a history of that, Milord.

God the Father: Well, if you can’t find where they’re hiding my Son, I guess we’ll have to repeat the Incarnation.

Gabriel: A third time, Milord?

God the Father: Gabriel, something’s a little off about my Son. Ever since I resurrected him, he spends all his time partying back on earth. Go down and find out what’s up with that.

Gabriel: Turns out Easter was another black flag operation from hell.

God the Father: What do you mean?

Gabriel: Upon further investigation, I found out that Joseph of Arimathea’s sepulcher was a dummy tomb with a hidden exit. Hell’s operatives swapped out the body of Jesus on Holy Saturday, then swapped in the cadaver of a look-alike.

God the Father: You mean to tell me I resurrected the wrong guy?

Gabriel: To judge by the initial reports.

God the Father: I didn’t see that coming.

Gabriel: Wouldn’t be the first time, Milord.

God the Father: Seems like Hell is always one step ahead of me. On your way out, tell the Archangel Michael to do a sweep of the throne room, just in case the dark side bugged it again.

And while he’s at it, have him run another background check on the cherubim and seraphim. I never know who I can trust these days.

Gabriel: Will do, Milord. And what about the Easter caper?

God the Father: Easter? Oh, yes, that’s right. I guess that means we have to repeat the Incarnation.

Gabriel: A fourth time?