During
my weekly audience with the angel Gabriel, I asked him about Arminians like
Jerry Walls and Roger Olson who were refurbishing Purgatory. Gabriel informed
me that there is, in fact, an Arminian Purgatory, although it’s rather
different than what Walls and Olson imagine.
As Gabriel explained, when Calvinists and Arminians die, St.
Peter sorts them into two different lines. Calvinists are directed to the
express lane, which takes them straight to heaven.
(In case you’re wondering, there are big signs saying
“Arminians Here,” “Calvinists Here”.)
By contrast, Arminians are sent to reeducation camps. It
resembles the school in Kurt Russell’s Sky High.
John Calvin is the principal. That’s where recently-deceased
Arminians are patiently tutored in the 5 points of Calvinism by Isaiah, St.
John, and St. Paul.
Classes also include testimonials from recovering Arminians
and past alumni like John and Charles Wesley, who recount their deconversion
from the errors of Arminius.
Some Arminians have to repeat the course several times to
fully purge Arminian errors from their system.
After Arminians receive their diploma, graduates are then
put on a bus and taken to heaven.
Do the Lutherans have their own purgatory school separate from the Arminians?
ReplyDeleteThey have to take a remedial course on the sacraments taught by Zwingli.
DeleteAre there any signs pointing the way?
Delete"They have to take a remedial course on the sacraments taught by Zwingli."
DeleteDid Martin Luther have to take that remedial course more than once?
Andrew
Delete"Are there any signs pointing the way?"
Yes, sacramental signs.
Hah, "sacramental signs", saw that one coming!!
DeleteThe important thing is, it's still funny!
DeleteTruth Unites... and Divides
Delete"Did Martin Luther have to take that remedial course more than once?"
Three times.
Steve, question for you? You write parenthetically: "(In case you’re wondering, there are big signs saying “Arminians Here,” “Calvinists Here”.)"
ReplyDeleteOk, just in God's green and grassy land, who are you and when did you see those two signs? Are you Moses or Elijah? Are you Enoch or that boy Elisha raised from the dead? How about the young man Jesus gave back to the widow? Or, oh no, maybe so, are you Lazarus?
Oh, wait a minute, you surely couldn't be anyone of those few?
Just then, pray thee tell, who are you that you can speak with such authority that those signs exist?
"Just then, pray thee tell, who are you that you can speak with such authority that those signs exist?"
Delete"During my weekly audience with the angel Gabriel..."
By the way, I thought the movie Sky High was really fun to watch.
ReplyDeleteI'm just a lowly "sidekick."
DeleteDang Truth, why couldn't I have the gift of hospitality, too? I'm envious!
ReplyDeleteJohn Calvin is the principal. That’s where recently-deceased Arminians are patiently tutored in the 5 points of Calvinism by Isaiah, St. John, and St. Paul.
ReplyDeleteFascinating that Calvin gets top billing. This says a lot about the authority structure we'll see in the afterlife.